Dear Online Personals Applicants:
Dear Potential Admirers:
Hi. My name is RPM. As you may have read from my clearly outlined profile, I'm a pretty open person about who I am, where I am, and what I am looking for. The rest, you get over time. Nonetheless, I still find myself overrun by potential applicants who somehow overlook some of my more basic dating preferences for reasons unknown to me. Is this some sort of exercise in getting comfortable with saying no? Or am I gently being prodded into coming outside of my desire-zone into something a little more...realistic?
I realize you all can't be giants. I understand you all will not be the perfect blend of kind and sardonic. I realize some of you will not know what sardonic means, and you'll be greatly annoyed with me regarding that. I know that you have your own desires and wants that you are trying to have fulfilled. However, we must come to some sort of reasonable compromise if we are ever to achieve online dating nirvana.
Please consider the following as an addendum to my profile to further assist you in understanding my personal dos and don'ts. Should you take the time to read this - it may sincerely help you to increase your chances of at least a polite response, or...deter you from making a fool of yourself. After all...some of your more ridiculous antics will most assuredly be shared in the blogosphere, and you wouldn't want all my wonderful online pals to snicker at you over their morning coffee. Because we snicker. And we do it, heartily.
1. Reading the profile in its entirety will help you to guage the liklihood of my response. For example. I state that I am originally from the East coast, having moved to Austin two years ago. Your first question should not be: "Are you from Austin?" This means, you did not even read the first sentence of the profile. This says very clearly to me that you are not remotely interested in anything about me other than my photos. Not good.
2. Preferences should not be taken lightly. If I state that my ideal match is say...over 6 feet in height, and my height is listed at 5 foot 9 inches...and I say I am attracted to tall men that I can look up to, what do you think your chances will be if you happen to be...5 foot 6 inches tall? Not good.
3. There is a fine line between persistence and annoyance. Sending me a hello is wonderful. Who doesn't want to know that they're been admired? I believe in good karma. I don't believe in leaving a hello unanswered. Even if it is just to say, "Thanks for your interest, I appreciate you taking the time to say hello. I don't think we're a good fit, but I wish you the best in your search." I will do that. This does not mean you should litter my inbox with, "Are you sure?" "How do you know?" "If you met me, I bet you'd change your mind." I can assure you...even if you have the brain of Einstein, the body of Adonis, the smile of Morris Chestnutt and the swagger of Gary Dourdan...I will be very turned off by your persistence nagging. Your odds of being given a second/third/fourth consideration drop exponentially. Not. good.
4. Fools need not apply. If your profile bears a photo of say...a professional basketball player, or...a b-movie actor, or a not so well known model from a retail catalogue...you should assume I will be able to recognize that person, and recognize that you, are a moron. For you? There are no responses. There are simply deletes. Not good.
5. Spell check. Spell check. Spell check. My friend Steve would call me a bitch (and has...on many occasions) but I have to be honest with you, after all this is about greatly increasing your odds of acknowledgement. Your introduction says a lot about you. If I happen to notice that your description is written IN ALL CAPS LIKE YOU WRITE RANSOM NOTES FOR A LIVING OR JUST LEARNED TO TYPE ON A KEYBOARD, I am going to make a snap judgement about you. If u think itz super kewl 2 right like this and xpect me to B interested, u need 2 know that u r not thinking str8t. Your description is my first taste of who you are. Hey, just being honest. That works for some. I think it's clear that it doesn't work for me. Not good.
6. No photo? No service. Sorry. Don't tell me photos are available upon request like this is a resume. Don't tell me you haven't learned how to upload them yet, or that you don't have any. If that's the case, take that profile down until you learn. If I can't see you, you're probably married. Seeing someone you met on the online personals last month, or you know you're working with a face only your mother could love. Don't surprise me with that. Let me learn it and make a decision on my own. (Addendum: do not post a picture of you that's from 1977 either. Let's try to talk about who we are now. Not thirty years ago) Definitely, not good.
Don't be too disheartened by these guidelines, after all, I do not take the online dating experience seriously at all. If nothing else, it is a humorous form of enjoyment. One must measure their expectations with care during these adventures. Still, I'd like to see you do well when surfing out there. Make the most of it.
Happy Searching,
RPM
Comments
heehee! whew...online dating is one thing I could NEVER see myself doing. I know what kind of losers I attract in person, I can't even imagine what kind of inbreds I'd attract online. <shudder>
Good luck, you are a brave woman.
It's amusing, and an experience. If nothing else it gives my sister and I something to laugh about. I just wish it would stop being at my expense. lmao!!!
This is the funniest and most honest post I've read in a while. Thank Zeus for you and your sense of humor.
*snickering heartily*
I have a fresh cup of coffee and haven't had a good snicker all morning.
By all means, share.
BTW - A good friend did make an online love connection. They've been married going on 3 years. So it does happen. Thank God I'm not dating these days. The stories I hear....
that sounds hilarious. you are definitely far braver than myself. like cranky, i don't seem to attract the real winners in person either... at least not lately!
mmmm, tho, gary dourdan's swagger... and his eyes wouldn't be bad, either. or, hell, the rest of him.... ;~)
i swear, people need to learn how to read things in their entirety. i can't tell you how many asshat responses i got to my CL ad. we're not even going to go into the people on jDate. in my ad, it clearly stated "i will not read mail you send me here." what did 10 or so people do? send a total of over 40 emails. asshats!
@Erin*Carly: *crying laughing at asshats* I cannot stand when people don't bother to read. It kills me.
@Barry: did I tell you about the guy that sent me a hello, told me he was leaving at the end of March for his "overseas transportation" job and wanted to at least meet before he shipped out? Oh...the stories...so many stories. I will make a better effort to log them. And thanks, that's the photo I use on the site. I'm thinking of changing it to a skull and crossbones...
@ Cranky and Island: It really is a lesson in futility. But if it makes my pals smile while I'm at it, then it's all good. What's life without laughter?
@Lea: thanks darlin'.
Fantastic piece of writing, and hit the nail right on the head. I'm married but I like to get into chat online - I love making new friends. I hit all the same garbage there. ASL? Read my profile. So, are you married? Read my profile. Want to C2C? Read my (insert expletive here) profile.
I think you are making an assumption when you say they are only interested in your photos. Do you really think they even went that far? lol. I once put up three different ads up for myself on a dating site to see what different responses I got. It was amazing how many of the ads got a carbon copy response from guys.
@Little Odd Me: lmao...humor me. I want to believe they think I am gorgeous. I am shallow enough to need that.
I hope you meet someone who's deserving of you! But don't rule out short(er) men - you never know. Ya know?
Once, I tried to venture into online dating. It was not a good experience, and I gave up before ever meeting anyone in person. Patience isn't my strong point. I also found that I was a lazy online dater. A lot of the people I experienced fell into the parameters of your post. And then there were the guys who's biological clocks or something were ticking like a time bomb. They were ready to be married with kids, when I was only looking to date more, experience new people.
I keep saying I'm going to give it a second shot. That has yet to happen. Good luck to you. :)
@ Carmel: but of course, please do!
I want to date you! I want to be you! Can you move to San Jose and be one of my elite group of very very BBF?
Seriously, this post is perfection. We could seriously be sisters...you'd be the one younger one who's a better writer.
You mean...that wasn't a date at your house???
*grins*
You know, I had such a good time with you and the crew...I seriously contemplated a change of scenery. You guys made the Bay area more fun then I've ever remembered. Is there any way I can join the elite group of BBF prior to changing my driver's license (again!!)?
I think we are sisters Patty. No sense in ignoring it.
LOL. And again LOL. Thanks for making smile as I surfed while eating lunch this afternoon!
Have you considered preparing a form rejection letter on which you could check boxes indicating why you had denied a particular gentleman's application?
Furthermore, have you considered regarding this as a direct marketing campaign and tracking your results? :)
Oh yeah, and....
Addendum: do not post a picture of you that's from 1977 either. Let's try to talk about who we are now. Not thirty years ago)
An ex of mine got herself an online guy, and the only pic that she has seen of him is an old one from when he was like 15. Not good. I've tried to warn her, but she calls me jealous and a hater.
And there's even extra brilliance in " I realize some of you will not know what sardonic means."
You seem to have a great sense of humor, and obviously educated.. I am sure that you will find a mate, if you are still looking... I did notice that this post was dated months ago... And it drives me crazy when people write in text slang as well. :-) Good Luck.