Eleutheria and Inertia
My life is perfect
Because I accept it as it is
The sun shine is shining
Because it is what it is....
Eleutheria, Lenny Kravitz.
So the week in review...I spent a lot of time immersed in my own thoughts. I worked as I needed to, managed my responsibilities and stayed in the rhythm of healthy foods, healthy behaviors and vigorous workouts that helped to keep at bay the night terrors that hunt for me when I try to fall asleep each night.
Seven days of conscious effort to listen to my subconscious, seven days of listening to my body tell me all the stories it's wanted to tell for a hundred years. Seven days of allowing myself every emotional expression I could muster. No sense in trying to logic my way out of any of them, they'd only surge up and overtake me somewhere else along the way. I gave myself seven days to release it in whatever manner that was. I tortured myself, broke me apart into a thousand little pieces, and worked every night to put me back together. Still not perfect, but better then I was in my original form.
I use this space to bare a lot more then what some might say is appropriate...but appropriateness has never been critically important to me. I'm on a mission to figure a lot of shit out, and I see now that life is way too short to give too much thought to appearances.
Seven days later, I realize I'm tired of a few things. I'm tired of pity pot dwelling, I am tired of making every challenge or undesired event about something I did or was or was not, And I am tired of giving people the impression it's okay to show a half-assed effort when the tables are turned and I actually need them. It seems the deeper I love, the more codependent I become. I make that love something that will right all the wrongs of my life, fix anything that's ever been broken...it will be the thing to save me from every horrible thing I've ever believed about myself. I pick faulty products though, with the same malfunction - they take more than they give. So I expel energy at a maddening clip, believing karmically I will get that return that's enough...
But it's never enough. And I use that disappointment to keep me in the same cage I've been in since I was eight years old. Sick thing is...I tell myself that cage is safe. It's familiar. And I deserve it. What's more...I have no trust in a higher source to deliver me from the madness to content and real self-love. I fight the good fight with myself...denying myself every opportunity to be the phoenix I was born to be. An object at rest tends to stay at rest, an object in motion tends to stay in motion.
Ever have an argument with someone, and yell advice or assessment of them...that is you actually screaming at yourself? I erupted recently with this:
"You are in a WAR with yourself, and you're losing the battle simply because you refuse to use the weapons you had since birth. You're killing your own defense!!!" As soon as I said it...I actually started laughing. I was not speaking to the other person. I was speaking to myself. My spirit was appealing very angrily to me...to wake up.
I used seven days to do that.
If they knock on your door you already gave
You don't need no more of what's ailing you
Just lean on your soul with all that it takes...
Sister
It's just a test of faith
Your heart is pure so the devil's in your face
I'll see you soon 'cause thy haven't got a case
And you'll be free in a beautiful place
Sister, Lenny Kravitz
Comments
i delight in this retelling because i see the light at the end of the tunnel shining from within you, and with each revelation you uncover it grows brighter and brighter.
the universe was created in "seven days"... and this is evidence that it was reborn in you in the same amount of time. grand luck for the rest of the journey my sister!
well, i'm not going to be anywhere near as eloquent as AngelaMichelle, but it had seemed to me that you weren't around as much this week, and now i know why!
are congratulations appropriate in this case? i'm not sure, but i can feel your relief in your writing, your revelations, and that makes me happy for you
@Liz: I don't know whether it's congrats, or good morning. whatever it is babe, I'm just grateful it's arrived. *insert cheese grin here*
War is easy by comparison.
Mathilde...as usual, you said it. It sometimes seems the hardest thing to do. I heard somethings escape my insides this week that really, really ached. Other thing I noticed? Staying in that space, staying clear? That's the most purposeful job we can ever do for ourselves. Nothing could be more necessary. I think the more we practice that, the shorter the battles.
I hear ya sister. Draining me of my energy, my drive, my passion, my laughter, my money, my happiness, my power, my love is now, FINALLY after all these years, a big flashing, sign with sirens that tells me "run away - run as far and as fast as possible" from this person...this emotional vampire... (as I have taken to calling them - and Karen is NOT one).