Finding her sanity (and losing mine).
Alternative titles for this post were:
Anywhere, But Here.
One Flew Out of the Cuckoo's Nest.
or
Once Upon A Time in Austin.
Somehow...Sanity won out. Let's hope that starts a trend.
My mother as we speak is driving across the country with her husband and her brother in tow. She's moving to her new home in...Texas. You might recall I moved to Austin nearly three years ago chasing a dream and running from my own demons. I learned in this time, two invaluable lessons. Sometimes chasing dreams shifts them further away, and demons know no state lines. The remedy for both is the same. Acceptance, faith and a good dose of patience with the world and most importantly, with yourself.
Mom finds her way on this odyssey for reasons that are completely different and yet painfully similar. Chasing dreams and running from problems that will lie in wait and show up on her doorstep one morning when she goes to fetch the morning paper. I watch and wish for all good things for her, knowing I cannot chart her course anymore than she can. I know better than to believe I can control too much more than my bladder or my choices. She will inevitably find out the same. Or at least...that is my hope for her. I hope she opens her arms to the adventure. That part I know is key.
I was fiercely opposed to this at first. Her decision to move felt oppressive at best. I assumed that the shackles of being a keystone for an entire family would soon be clasped firmly around my wrists and ankles, placing limits on my choices and a pricetag on my freedom. A few loving souls had to remind me of my own emancipation. It took me decades to find my voice, and now that I've found it, I find it incredibly difficult to silence. That means more intimate connections but it also means more biting disagreements. I've always been headstrong, but now the people around me know precisely what's moving behind my eyes and within my chest. And sometimes...they don't care to know. Mom, especially.
I cannot stuff myself back into the box of obedient child. She continues to search for new ways to make me fit. Somehow...in the midst of this shoving, pulling, tugging and smashing there is a love and bind that both maddens and softens me. What drives me most crazy about my mother, I often see in myself, things I wish weren't there. My mother sees something in me she's never been able to find in herself. I think she finds that both inspiring and frightening. We attract and repel like magnets. From time to time, when we're open and not struggling so much, we manage to love the hell out of each other. Those are the moments I try to retain.
There will be good. There will be bad. The trick I suppose will be not to get too blindsided by either one, because that's the nature of evolution.
Welcome to Texas, Mom.
Love,
RPM
Comments
Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda
Great Post. ^_^
"I often see in myself, things I wish weren't there. My mother sees something in me she's never been able to find in herself."
So, I've been reading your blog for awhile now, and I must say...you write very well. This is a great example.
Be well, friend.
rg
I am so curious to know how you're doing. I hope it is more joyful than painful...But I'm guessing things are bitter-sweet at best...
In my thoughts. Always!
xx
Mother/Daughter relationships....what to saaaaaaayyyyyyy?
Your mother tries to find ways to put you back into the box she believes you fit in and mine on the other hand has no box to speak of as she has seen me as self-reliant and in need of little to no hands-on assistance almost since the day I was born. I know to many that sounds like a dream come true, but trust me when I say that occasionally, we could all use a "because I said so"!
I'll say this, these relationships are not often easy, they are almost never without some tension, and they make most rollercoasters feel like a ride on the Merry-Go-Round. No matter though, because they are almost always worth it!!!
Well... My mother and I have a... um... strained relationship. As we've grown older, we've gotten REALLY close. We admire the hell out of each other and we're mirror images (even our horoscopes). She manages to keep me working and I manage to get her out to enjoy life.
And dammit... she knows me better than I know myself. That's a handy trick to have around. I've learned to ask: Mom, what would I do in this situation? She will tell me what I will do and what her advice is. These things are often not the same thing. Now that I ask it that way, she laughs and is less wrapped up in whether I 'should' follow her advice.
That said... I think I'd shit myself if she told me she was moving here. One parent in town is just enough for me.
I had read this the other day but wanted to check the comments too.
The good thing is, that even though she's on your turf now, she's on your turf. You didn't move back home where the Obedient Child Box is waiting for you to be stuffed into. (Like a certain Pants family member did.) Remember that change brings about change if it's doing what it's supposed to be doing. I really hope this will be a good spark for your mom, that she can see how you have grown and are thriving and are your own proud independent woman for her to be even more proud of, and to be inspired by. Maybe you will see a whole new side to your mom, and you will be pleasantly surprised. I hope that's how it goes, because I totally feel your trepidation. It just seems like your mom has it in her to get as much out of a new start as you have. I hope she doesn't cramp your style too much (God I sound like I'm stuck in the 70s!)
So good luck to both of you!!
You will never know how I needed to be reminded of this. Thank you CP. Sometimes I get so immersed in the bad I expect, I forget that no growth in my life has EVER happened without change.
Dang I needed that.