Flying with no ground.

"Closer to my dreams
I’m goin’ higher and higher
I ain’t gonna sleep
Some times you just have to let it go (Let it go, let it go)
Leaving all my fears to burn down
Push them away so I can move on"
- Goapele

First time I heard this song, I was driving in my truck, a snowy winter day in Suburban Philadelphia, on my way to work. I was about a month away from my surgery date, and just a mess of different emotions. I can see it...feel it as if it was just an hour ago. The surgery was going to change my life. Some people give birth to 8 lb 7 oz infants. I was preparing to give birth to a fibroid tumor of the same size. I had a basketball in my abdomen. And I had no choice but to deliver it. The surgery meant so many things to me. It meant a major procedure, the first time alien metal objects would enter my body. It meant discovering if I would be left intact enough to bear a child, as opposed to a non-cancerous growth of the same size. It meant reevaluating my future with him. Could I bear his child? Would he ever want me to? Would my time run out before he decides?

I look back on that day and the moment this track began to play, because it was that eerie to me. As soon as I heard that 4th line of that verse, my eyes filled and spilled over liquid anxiety. Down my cheeks, leaving dark chocolate drops on my heavy winter coat. It was hopeful, but mournful, innocent but eerily wise. It reminded me that the hardest thing I would ever have to do, would be the very thing I needed to do. For my own survival, and happiness. I would have to let go.

I am a bleeding orange fire in a liquid sky.

I've always struggled with that. Acquiesing to the universe, and letting my God steer me with the faith that I have all I need to weather each storm. Unwilling to have a course move in any direction but the one I'm most comfortable with. I was trapped in an impudent belief that my journey has to follow a very specific course that I constructed. So why was nothing happening as I willed it? Why was my master plan so riddled with holes?

I can't make sense of ways bigger than me. Trying to, is missing the greater point. It's as bizarre as holding on to something you claim to want released. I am melancholy, sad and experiencing the most tremendous peace of my life, today. And I couldn't make sense of it if you begged me to. I have no net. I have no way of knowing what's around the next bend...but I'm not worried about, either. At least not today.

Yesterday, I required a nap. As I lay there, somewhere between asleep and awake a thought came to me, and I said it aloud.

"If I had to go back, and repeat all of these steps again - the pain, the loss, the sadness as well as the joy of knowing him, learning him and loving him and the entire evolution...I would do it. Without hesitation."

Those same tears came. The same ones that spilled so readily that day in the truck, years ago. My intuition knew then, what it knows now. And on those precious days when I let it speak to me, I experience the essence of truth and acceptance.

Sometimes you just have to let it go....and accept.

Your experiences. Your history. The pain. The joy. The heartache. The rise. The fall. To do so is to acknowledge that every little event has its purpose. There are no mistakes. There are only life markers...and what you choose to make of them.

He called again this morning, but I knew he would. You know by now that that's the way we've always worked. When I opened my eyes hours earlier, my heart whispered to him a quiet, "I miss you, Big Cat." I didn't kick my own ass over it, I just acknowledged the sensation. No fear. No shame. But with a great awareness that none of that, of this...changes what is. And the feelings, none of them, will kill me. I answered the phone, with no anxiety, I just said hello. As I sipped my morning coffee, we shared a morning laugh and few minutes of conversation. I wished him a good day, and hung up. And I missed him when it was over. But no feeling, bad or good was designed to last forever.

It is, what it is. I smiled. I'm not trapped by my feelings anymore. I can love him, always. And I will. But there is still a journey that I must take. And the same goes for him. I can't blindly rest my hopes on those paths crossing. My heart is open. And so are my eyes.

I push away fear. And I trust that there is no reason to look down. I'm exceedingly grateful for that.