I hope you dance.
The other night, well past the hour respectable adults should be whispering about things like favorite childhood candies or first kisses, he asked me if I dance.
I thought it was a weird jump but I played along as I try to make an effort to answer any question ever asked of me. I simply said, "it's not really something I ever think about doing." And that was truth. Other than the mock concerts I perform for Mecca as I'm cleaning the house or the moves I work to light up my sister's face with laughter...I don't do it. I am not diabolically opposed to dance. It's just....well, there's hundreds of other things I probably like to do more (and a helluva lot better).
He seemed puzzled by my response. As I am now beginning to understand, lawyers are not usually inclined to accept your initial answer without supporting evidence. This was going to be one of our more regular inquisitions.
"Why?"
It was my turn to be a bit puzzled. I told him it wasn't something I thought to do. He then asked if I would dance if we went to an event. I wondered if there was an event he was preparing to spring on me. I told him, honestly that I probably wouldn't want to. And he again seemed puzzled.
"Even if I was going to be with you, the entire time, you wouldn't want to?"
And so the discourse of dance. He likened it to public speaking, which he knows I have no problems with. I failed to see the similarity. Am I uneasy about dancing? Yes. Is it something I yearn to do with great vigor? No. Am I inclined to dance foolishly? Only with my sister. I suppose he could feel the initial waves of my anxiety begin and he did what he seems to do masterfully during those moments. He steered us gently to something that made me immediately more comfortable.
I wondered in that moment if he took offense to my hesitation to dance, even at the suggestion that he would be there with me. As if his steely glare would keep the hideous dance monsters at bay. He obviously linked my hesitation to dance with a feeling of vulnerability or security. And he might have been right. But he also can't mend that, though I am quite sure he would try.
Today, while chatting with my Dad, he brought up...dancing. And I figured since God apparently wanted me to continue reviewing this topic, I blurted randomly during our conversation that I didn't understand all the hubbub about it. I jokingly said I never danced, so I didn't understand why me not doing it was so puzzling. My father grew unusually quiet, and he began recalling a time when I did dance. And...I recalled it too. A different time. A me I must have misplaced somewhere along the way.
He equated dancing to...an expression of joy. People do it because it makes them happy, it makes them feel alive and free. He wondered if my aversion to dance had something to do with the tone of the house, during my childhood. Together, we wandered all the possibilities like roads. Finally, he said...
"As a child and even now...you are just too happy a person, not to dance. I hope you get to a point where you feel safe...and free enough to do it and not care if anyone is watching or thinking anything about it." Sometimes, my Dad has unexpected moments of tenderness when he expresses his wants and wishes for his children that take my breath away. This was one of those moments. It made me wish that one day, perhaps there would be a celebration where I would feel free enough, to grab his hand, and dance. I let that moment linger silently between the two of us before we eventually wandered into something else.
Perhaps one day I will dance as he recalls one summer night in West Oak Lane. I will either return to that state of complete joy with no thought of the space surrounding me, or find myself in a new space. One that pulses with a rhythm I just can't help but move to.
Time will tell.
Comments
"He equated dancing to...an expression of joy."
Someone once told me that all singing is beautiful because song is merely joy set to music. I hope you dance again, too.
This reminds me of:
" Work like you don't need the money. Love as if you have never been hurt. Dance like no one is watching. Sing like no one is listening. And live every day as if it were your last. "
I agree with IG, this is a lovely post.
I think your Dad makes a great point. As children we are carefree and dancing (like no one is watching) is something that we do as soon as we hear music. All my 2 year old niece needs is someting with a beat.....and she be grooving and bopping her butt around.....and if there be no music, she will happily sing for you, whether you ask or not. But as adults, we close off and develop hibitions that prevent us from expressing our joy through such simple and carefree measures. We develop self consciousness.
I love to dance and always have....but part of that is that my parents were dancers and I grew up with dancing all around me....and I have many memories being carried around in between my folks or standing on my dad's feet or even my brother's feet since they were much older. As a young, single adult, I would die if I didn't go out dancing at least once a week.
Dancing is an expression of joy.....and my wish for you is that you end up dancing...a lot! :)
You have the choice to sit it out or dance!
xoxox
Let's hear it for your Dad! Hip Hip...
Even though I have rhythm, I can't dance! You know that song by LL Cool J You Can't Dance? I inspired it. To make matters worse, the lyric from that song that goes: You come from a can't dance family does NOT apply to me which means I can't dance in the midst of a HUGE family of talented dancers.
Guess what? I don't give a damn! I dance at every opportunity because it is true that it is an expression of joy. It is like exercising and causes the release of endorphins or something equally scientific and as good! I even took dance classes (tap, jazz, and ballet) as a 38 year old adult in a class full of the most beautiful, graceful teens you've ever seen because I wanted what I see on the faces of those who can dance...pure joy. It did not work, I DID NOT become a great dancer, but I found the joy and STILL I exuberantly embrace dancing in the spirit of another lyric from the same song:
You take your can't dance bath
Put on your can't dance cologne
And go to a can't dance party
So you don't have to can't dance all alone
I CAN'T DANCE...so damned what I still may (as in I'm still allowed to, aren't I)?!!! ;-b And I may whether those around me can dance or not!
Do you think you will self-explore a bit more to figure out why dancing just doesn't occur to you these days?
OMG!
This post reminded me of the dreams I've been having lately, and some experiences too. Once upon a time I was a Super Hero. Laugh if you want to, but I was a Super Hero. I could and did anything I set my mind to do. I was an artistic free spirit that directed the winds where I wanted them to go, then one day I suddenly was a different person. I'm sure it too more than just a day to mold, but I wasn't so trusting in my own abilities and everyone's opinion matter even when it shouldn't. I say I don't give a damn what people think or say, which for the most part is true, but some times . . . . For the first time in a very long time I feel like I'm actually making progress. And every once and a while I see a glimer of that Super Hero from long ago. It's always surprising and exilerating all at once, and I feel a missing piece of authentic self being recovered.
Then again, maybe I'm just weird (but I embrace my weirdness!). Either way, this is a damn good post. You're alway very poignant with posts like this and get the gears of my mind to turning.
Oh and what I forgot to mention.....
I personnally LOVE to dance. But I love it even more when I dance alone. Like when it's just me in the house with the music on or what ever. I like taking dance classes too, but I feel freer (is that a word?) when I'm listening to music that evokes my soul and demands my body to move. I'm shy like that. But then to some degree it's a control thing too. I pick and choose who gets a close up of my world.
Let's DANCE!!!!!
</voice class="kevin bacon">
Everybody cut, everybody cut...
I know, right? I don't know where that comes from. But it's the closest way to describe how I feel when in those awkward "do I, don't I" moments.
I SCARED! What if my parts don't work? What if someone points and laughs?
What your father said was absolutely beautiful.
Yeah...God was trying to tell you something.
... this said from the perspective of someone who dances anytime, anywhere - including alone on a nightclub dance floor, if the music moves me. I don't believe in inhibiting myself for "their" benefit... it's my life and I intend to live it to its fullest.
if you're not inclined to dance, then you're not inclined to dance. i just hope you don't prevent yourself from doing it when you are inclined.
Dance is arguably one of the oldest forms of communication.
It wasnt until recently in history, say maybe the last 500 years, that we really started putting a premium on "being good" at dancing (and singing). However, in many cultures, this premium does not exist. There are still places where telling a local that you dont know how to dance will elicit same kind of looks as saying "I dont know how to breathe."
All that aside - I may get where you are coming from.
Right before puberty, I was in a performance swing choir. Then I was "encouraged" to take up more traditional male activities. So I stopped dancing and singing for a long time. Eventually, I grew to be so stressed out about dancing that I just wouldnt do it.
After a big part of my life, with increasing stressful feelings like "My body wants to move to this groove, but I *cant*" ... I finally just said eff it, and looked into lessons.
After my first class, I went to the social dance. A former National Champion came up to me and asked me to show her what I learned. I was nervous as all getout. After that, a different style came on and she asked me to dance again. "But I dont know how to dance to this." I said. She replied with a smile, "Well I will teach you right now, just dance with me!" And she taught me on the fly. It was amazing.
Right now, I dance about 4 days a week. And I make it a point to give back to any beginner I encounter.
It might not seem intuitive, but yes - the right person and attitude can completely keep the dance monsters at bay. I see it on new dancers faces *all the time*. And as far as he goes ... I would guess that the underlying point is he wants you to be receptive to try new things with him. Its important to a few of us guys out there.
Good Luck! And have fun reviving the booty-shake. :)
I totally understand your hesitation, LOL, even if you are not totally sure of the reason yourself. I love to move around here at home and when I do, I do not care if my friends see me, but mind you it is only my friends that I do not mind. I loose all confidence when there is anyone else around. I also understand the thoughts of 'inappropriateness'
I think I am going to try to remember what Jayd said,
and what LeendaDLL said,
I hope the things they said will motivate you as well as they did me
Thanks for sharing this post
What a very touching post. When I dance, people point and laugh but I don't care. I'm having too much fun. But I've never been terribly shy.
I sometimes think the cosmic reason I got married when I did so I could dance with my dad at my wedding. I'm divorced and if I married again, he wouldn't be able to make it around the floor. I'm very thankful for that moment, regardless of how everything else turned out.
I hope you find your groove. :-)