Please exit the sandbox.

Sandbox mulling....

Here's a trend that is noticeably on the decline, but still pops its head up from time to time.

I ignore my first “sense” of new friendships sometimes. In my efforts to not make any hasty decisions about people, I find myself bypassing that little tug that nags at me whenever I’m playing in the wrong sandbox.

You know that feeling. You’re sitting there with sand sliding between your fingers and you catch a glimpse of something in that newfound pal. You don’t want to find it. You manage to play around it, but it’s inevitable. They speak/act/react in a manner that feels so familiar in every way you despise. The moment passes and you get that nudge. An urgent whisper not all to unlike the horror movie warning, “get out” echoes in your mind and you feel the urge to get free while you can. But not me. I’ll linger. I’ll wait to see if you turn out to be as incompatible as I suspect. Familiar isn’t always good, and yet I can hold onto it...just because it is there to hold onto. What a silly reason to hang.

I often ignore that “get out” like the fools in the movies. Each time, I wish I hadn’t.  So why do I do it? There are probably many reasons for it, but I’ll give you three:

1. I don’t always feel entitled to tell people to leave my sandbox.
2. People leaving the sandbox feels like...well, people leaving. And leaving, no matter the circumstances, has its share of pain to face.
3. People rarely exit the sandbox without a big scene. I hate the big scene.

So I sit. I smile tightly. I go through the motions. In private, I kick my own ass for not just confessing that I made a mistake and wandered into the wrong playground. I try to make the other person make the jump, because I don’t want to be the villain, even when villainous thoughts pass through my mind. I close over my innermost thoughts ideas and feelings carefully, leaving not even a crack of daylight. I become a living breathing mystery that makes the other person scratch their heads with wonder.

How could someone so chatty and personable become so sullen and withdrawn?

The answer is simple. It’s easier than having to tell you to fuck off. I bank on you intuiting that. I don’t want to struggle. I don’t want a debate. I don’t require a badge that says I am right and you are wrong. I just want the acknowledgment that we are different. Different wants. Different needs. Different paths. Different expectations. I want us to silently agree that this sandbox thing was a bad idea. I want to turn around one day, and see that just like magic...

...you’ve disappeared.