RPM the (in)tolerant.

I love to project this image of all calm, all wise and all peaceful knowing.

But ooooooh what lies beneath.

My twitter friends list is at one hundred, and as I said there earlier this morning, that feels like eighty too many. I feel overstimulated, like an infant at a family reunion. Too many people, too many faces in mine, too much talk. Too much.

But it's not just there, I find as I take a hard look at me, that I am that way nearly everywhere I go. I don't know if I happened into this intolerance by chance when I hit thirty-five...perhaps it's always been there lying dormant waiting for me to have had enough of mainstream...but either way it is here.

I've always struggled with patience. And it seems only fitting that I would have to come face to face with situations that try what little patience I have, constantly. It's as if God is quietly reminding me that this is a test I don't get to skip. But oh how I want to. I don't want to allow certain things to happen in my life (as if I ever controlled certain things). I want it all my way. Which, by the way, isn't asking for much. It's mostly asking not to be presented bullshit quite so often. Oh wait...that's too much to ask? DAMMIT. You mean I don't get to hold the license on determining what is bullshit? Double DAMMIT.

In my little happy place, there is only what I want. People don't say dumb shit. People don't tramp on my garden of logic and integrity. People don't wallow in the lowest levels of self awareness. People only talk about the things I think are worthy of my time. People don't sit in my face and lie to me, thinking I'm not aware of what they are doing, I'm sounding more and more like the Queen of Hearts with every passing day. And I gotta tell you...I'm uncomfortable with that.

My challenge to myself these days seems to be striking a balance between patience and boundary. Establishing the ledge when it comes to my intolerance. That's gonna be a hard one. I overcompensate for a childhood where I stuffed my wants, my needs and my thoughts deep deep deep into the corner of a badly worn shoe. Now it's time to remember that just because I've found my sword of truth...doesn't mean I gotta go chopping off everyone's head as compensation for time lost.