Still haven't found...
...what the hell am I looking for, anyway?
I was catching up with NYCinephile yesterday, and during our conversation I was telling him about some of the strides (or slips and tumbles) I've been making in the area of dating.
Dating while recovering. I suppose we're all doing that, those of us that carry the title "single" in our social profiles. Well, maybe some of us are all healed up, shiny and new with all the answers to life...but I suspect the bulk of us are somehow, someway trying to get over something. Even if that something is as simple as our own fears.
I was telling him about SC, a guy I've been talking to for a few months now. Out of the "bites" I've received over the past few months, his is the one that has lingered best to date. Of course, he's also the one who bites from the farthest distance. In my chat with NyCine, I was trying to make heads or tails of our interactions. What's fair? What's proper discloure? What if I don't know where I'm going right now? What if? What if? What if? What if this interaction is really just distraction?
NYCine, in his typical brilliant fashion, makes the complicated painfully simple.
"What if it is?"
I sat there, stupefied. Exactly. What if it is? Where's the damned crime in that? And that was a deeper question that I've been struggling with. In an effort to make everything significant, I've been hesitant to do anything. That includes just...living. I have this habit of wanting everything to have a point. To have some sort of deeper meaning. And therein lies the source of my great angst.
There is something to be said for allowing yourself to exist in the space you are in. To experience all that the world is trying to show you. To, as GinBaby reminded me...flow like water.
Yeah, I have no clue what the hell is going to happen from this day to the next. But I do know it's time to stop fighting the current. Thanks NyCine. We always get what we need, don't we? Funny how we always get what we need.
Note: I tried to add an audio track to this, and it's hanging. So...if you haven't heard him yet...give James Morrison a listen. I'll post some tracks later.
Comments
Fantastic.
I'm not sure if this is insight or not, this is just a feeling (a thought based on a feeling) that came from my chest while reading and contemplating your post.
I think everyone wants to put meaning to an action. Justification seems to be just as important for the psyche as shelter from the elements is for your body. You and I both know no one ever wakes up and says "i hope i waste my life away, today." so I won't get into the details of what people expect from themselves and why they do it. What I will say is that when I let go of that constant mind check, that little switch that is always making sure I am doing what I should to be "productive" i feel a lot better. Like, way better.
Fuck justification. I mean it IS important but it shouldn't be so prevalent in everyone's waking thoughts. Sometimes you just need to do things because they make you feel better, even if the cause is greater than the effect.
Isn't that the truth? And, as Abject points out, we could all be a little happier if we would just learn to "be." Yes, we want our lives to be "important" and all that. But, let's do the best we can, go with the flow and have some fun too.
@RPM:
I suspect the bulk of us are somehow, someway trying to get over something. Even if that something is as simple as our own fears.
I suspect this describes any of your readers who are over 20....
In an effort to make everything significant, I've been hesitant to do anything
Analysis paralysis?
There is something to be said for allowing yourself to exist in the space you are in.
Given that I'm far from Zen-like, perhaps I can learn from you...do you have techniques for putting your analytical self aside?
I was pleased to read that I spurred your thinking. Thanks for the compliments!
I nearly choked on my coffee at analysis paralysis. LOL. (Second cup of coffee today btw, blame the insane rainfall)
Ironically, I am finding the best way for me to quiet myself is to a) workout like a maniac so that I am too tired to mentally "chew" b) pick up a good faith based book and open up to a random page and read it aloud. (amazing what you land on when you do this) and c) sketch. I keep a sketchbook in my "secret cove" and I will draw. Whatever comes up. Usually something very intricate (patterns or weaves, etc) that requires I focus on it and not the other thing. Hobbies definitely can help. So does making notes of what you think and how you feel when you're thinking it.
Most of all, I'm trying not to spend time analyzing things that aren't controlled by me. When I think about how little I actually DO control in this life...it actually reminds me I need to enjoy it for what it is and stop obsessing about everything that could/would happen. Whatever comes, I've got what it takes to see it through.
So true... We all have something, whether we admit it or not. Too bad we often allow it to isolate us.
Heh!