The snark...it wants out.

Nine things I am dying to say out loud.

1. Dear "I'm So Perfect, Why Don't You People Get It": If the entire world is such an inconvenience to your sensitivities, why not find your own planet full of perfect people and spare us the nasty remarks about perfectly normal and otherwise, harmless pursuits? Your slip is showing. Pull it up and shut it up. Love you, Bye!

2. Michigan and Florida, especially Debbie Dingell: Listen. No one ROBBED you of your voices. No one denied you your voting rights. You knew the rules regarding primaries and you snubbed them. You made the decision to do what you wanted, while understanding you were in violation of DNC rules for primary dates. Please shut up with this whining about, "WE HAVE A RIGHT TO BE COUNTED!" You also have the right to suffer the consequences of knowingly bucking the rules. No one's ignoring you. No one's denying your rights. Furthermore it's rather narcissistic (not to mention childish) of you to presume the process should be revamped and done over IN THE MIDST, to accommodate your inability to forecast how much of a difference your counted votes might make. And Debbie? Honestly. Don't tempt me to play with your name. I've shown GREAT restraint thus far.

3. Boundary Crossing Former Neighbors with Delusions of Granduer: I appreciate, and frankly, blush at how much you enjoy my company and your desire to make sure we "keep in touch." But your expectations are not a requirement. Therefore, if I fail to call you in a week, or fail to "check in on you to see how you are," I'm going to need you to get over yourself. Quickly. I'm hermetic in nature. Although you'd like to remedy this by showing me how to exist as you do, I caution you that I'm quite comfortable with existing as I am. Lets adjust accordingly, lest you complain yourself into an unpleasant conversation.

4. Captain Cut-off: I swear to the Universe and all the sweet spirits contained within it...if you interrupt me in the middle of a sentence or try to out talk me in your haste to raise a counter point one more time I will shake you vigorously and without mercy. It's disruptive and offering the excuse, "I don't get angry when people do it to me" is NOT acceptable.

5. Whatever rule of gravity that says the buttered/jellied side of bread MUST fall lubricated side down is just cruel and unusual.

6. Person That Likes To Make Faces At Other People's Food: It's not in your mouth, okay? Look at your own food and grow up.

7. Dear "I Must Touch You When I Talk": No. You mustn't. Fondly, RPM

8.  Dear Mystery Dialer That Calls Bi-Monthly Asking For ______. Let's stop doing this dance, shall we? Tell me what you're really up to and perhaps I'll save all parties a tremendous amount of time. For the life of me, I can't imagine I've ever really intimidated anyone that much. I'm just little old me.

9. Cedric Benson: I'm not even sorry that I don't feel sorry for you. Here's some tips for success in the real world. 1) When you buy a big ass boat, make sure your simple ass actually knows how to motor it. 2) Don't think that because you're a local sports personality that you are exempt from a little racial profilin', 3) Don't ever forget that Texas is still Texas and that "Don't Mess" bit goes a little bit deeper than just littering especially when it comes to executin' a lil law enforcement, 4) Stop countin' all those chickens before they hatch and 5) Stop trying to live like you're in a Jay-Z video. It's tired and lame and well...*thinks* you are just a kid. Perhaps you need to get the bullshit out of your system. Hope you still have a job and some kinda income when that occurs.

WHEW!

Much better.

Cheers,

RPM