They say, I say.
"Never put yourself in the position of having to rely on anyone else. You do for yourself."
It was a message my father gave me so often during my childhood. It was linked to learning how to do household chores, getting along with others and going out in the world as an adult. I made it my credo, and coupled with a real social insecurity - I made it my mantra to keep the world at bay by never needing them to do anything for me.
I am powerfully self sufficient. That's what I've told myself. And, that's what I am. But that's not all I have to be. I can be a host of other things too.
Sometimes in my desire to make myself perfect, capable and strong I wonder if I have made myself emotionally untouchable.
"You'll take care of it, just like you take care of everything. You don't know how to fail."
At the time 'he' said that to me, we were on opposite sides of instant messenger. He was knee deep in issues, and I was busy about trying to solve them. It's only now in hindsight that I realize he didn't want me to fix anything. He just wanted me to listen. As usual, he turned it around to one of my work projects. I forgot how much attention he paid to every detail of my existence. I miss that. When he offered that statement to my project update, I felt a warm rush of recognition. And then I realized he used my "achievements" as a way to entrench HIS negative belief. His belief that he doesn't know how to succeed.
I never needed him. At least, not in the ways he would have wanted me to. I was too afraid to demonstrate that. Besides, I was far too busy trying to powerfully demonstrate just how much I should be needed. Vulnerability...just never looked good on me. I thought my inquisitive brain, passing wit and nurturing disposition would charm him into being everything I needed.
Sometimes I wonder if my inability to show him my weakness reinforced his belief that he was not worthy of seeing it.
"Expect people to disappoint you."
Wow. Talk about the Law of Attraction on that one. If I gave him no reason to disappoint me, perhaps he wouldn't. So I worked very diligently on that. But that belief was still ingrained in my skull while I went about being perfect. Expect disappointment. I've cultivated that belief for a very long time based on that advice. People...are going to disappoint you. In their actions, behaviors and decisions. That was the belief I was handed, and I've made it, for so many years - my personal law. The expectation has been fulfillied more often then I'd care to admit. It's only now that I see the part I've played in it.
Sometimes I wonder if my expectations of disappointment made it easier for him to put in a half assed effort.
Comments
introspection and reflection is a blessing. especially when there's time enough to change the misconceptions we've absorbed into our life. i hope the insights gained are ones that further you on this journey, and that you allow them to do just that.
I'm reading this and all I can hear in my subconscious soundtrack is Jill Scott's "The Fact Is (I Need You)" playing.
Every hero needs a theme song.
@KB: funny, I played that track last night...
@ Liz: thanks Love. *grins*
@Angela: thanks for the jumpstart this morning Sister.
that's what you get for leaving me to my own devices yesterday afternoon. Okay, not really - but you get the gist.
It is terrible that the strong people are continuously expected to be stronger, while the weak are supported and nurtured. To what end? That they become strong in turn and are then neglected? Usually the opposite...they become weaker (or appear so) and are nurtured even more. It's a vicious cycle, and I don't know where the best point on it is. But what I do know is this: those at opposite ends really do gravitate toward each other. It's uncanny.
You are strong, there's no doubt in me about that, and so I commend you and I'm sorry too, because it means there is a lot of heartache for you to deal with. You'll always be expected to be stronger, and you'll always live up to the challenge. Damn it. {{hug}} here too....there are those who appreciate it. The trick is to avoid the weak ones who want to take advantage of your strength because of their lack of it.
@Jay: The middle paragraph completely speaks to me. How does that change? what is the balance?
@RPM: I feel that way too and I do not know how to be any different from how I already am. Heartache does follow us strong women around but there are moments where I feel like being sane and strong is ok that there is hope.
Is it bad that I try not to expect much from people so that they won't disappoint me?
Great post and hugs.
A wise man once told me if your expectations are in line, you won't be disappointed. Some might see this as negative thinking, but I see it as self-preservation. If I don't expect anything, I can't be hurt. It's hard to let go of this kind of thinking, especially when time after time, it seems disappointment is the rule and not the exception.
I think if you go in with NO expectations...you open yourself up for a vague, cluttered mess. If you go in with unrealistic expectations that both parties will be perfect and devoid of challenges or "development opportunities" then it's going to be ugly. If you go in with your expectations too low, you're liable to get anything.
I think it's akin to the "thoughts are things" notion. Go in expecting to get the love you deserve (and the love you intend to give)
I guess what I'm getting at asking is...should expectations be like boundaries? deal breakers? the overall list of things you desire in a relationship? And if they are those things...shouldn't they be expected, and thereby received?
And I think some expectations are good. They are aims, hopefully tied to some goals and desires we have for true happiness. If those expectations are for people to give less than what we give...then I suppose we expect to be heartbroken. I for one...don't enjoy heartache. I sense you don't either. LOL
Hugs back to you, Sunshine.
And another thing, be careful how much pressure you put on yourself to succeed. There's no question you're bright, beautiful, amazingly wonderful, but you're human. Humans aren't perfect. Would that we could be....but I think it would get boring. Still, there's nothing wrong with being strong, just find the balance and be prepared in case something comes up.
Another great post--you, at least, never disappoint. (And hey, Jay, also nice comment)
I think of being strong and independent as more of a preparedness issue: You should always be prepared (like the Girl Scouts!) to take care of yourself. But you should also be prepared to let someone else help you or to even just let a few things go. Part of being "strong" and "taking care of yourself" is recognizing the CARE word there--and for that, you're going to sometimes need and/or let others help you. Being strong sometimes means being "weak." Letting someone in is hard. Delegating is irritating because no, no one else will do the job exactly as you would have done it, which may or may not be a good thing. But you have to just be prepared for all of it. And, like Bruce Lee, just flow like water.
Somehow I am finding my happy medium now. There are things I cannot do a well as others, and things I do better than. As with anything else, balance is key.
I'll post a comment later, after I have re-read this & gotten my brain to formulate something somewhat coherent!
But you are such a good writer & I am always drawn to your posts because I relate a lot to them...as different as we may be in so many ways....:)
Cranky: welcome back, rest up, you know I can't wait to get some details!!!
Marque: Hey woman! My Dad certainly gave me some fire...I just have to turn down he flame bit sometimes. lmao