This is for the ladies ( and the fellas with courage)
I don't normally do this.
That's what people say when they are releasing something into the world that they know they probably shouldn't...but feel hellbent on it anyway.
I used to think that PMS was a figment of the imagination. Having an over-dramatic mother can really give you that impression over time. I used to think it was a banner women used as an excuse to be assholes. Even after I joined the ranks of the "hormonal" I always prided myself on not buying into the hype. How foolish and arrogant I was.
Problem is...it is not hype. Granted...you can make it worse or better in how you counter the surging emotions, pains or anxieties, but it is real and it can wreak havoc on your sanity.
The past few days I've been feeling especially sad, full of despair. I couldn't actually put my finger on exactly why. Sure, I have my concerns in life...but my intuition usually guides me through those fairly effectively. Not so, during this expedition. I wanted to do sinister things like drown the black molly that bullies all the other fish in my tank, sabotage my neighbors trashbin and call random people in my company to inform them that they are idiots...just because. I stood in front of the fish tank for twenty minutes, that little molly and it's life precariously resting in my unusually evil hands.
It is a tiny, uneasy boat that sets off toward angry seas, this physical occurence. Every month, quietly, and almost with no warning except the warning of ritual, it begins. Heading off towards unchartered waters of my conscious, looking for the storm that promises to send that little craft ricketing and lolling on waves far too big for it to handle. There is little I can do to stop it, and any residual energy is pulled together to ensure I can keep the damage to a minimum.
A fast, paced shutter-like flow of waves that are images and destructive thoughts came forging into my waters. It puts adrift my heightened state of clarity, replacing it with a seething anger blanketed in teary remorse for things I couldn't quite describe.
My boat gets sucked in, and at once I am twisting, tearing, creaking and whining, my vessel cries against the ravages of the storm it sought, and my sails get ripped. The very heart of me runs around frantic, trying to empty the boat of water, trying to repair what breaks under the pressure...trying to stay afloat. Each month...I do this, with great effort on the outside to demonstrate just how calm and placid I wish I truly were. It hurts. It stings. I come face to face with the darkest of my internal storms that threaten to deplete my soul. And all I can think is that no one...no one...will ever, could ever understand the hopelessness that lies at the bottom of that body of water.
Exhausted, I fall into the deepest of sleeps. The sort of sleep that comes from several days of rough sea. I sleep without changing position. I don't stir to the sounds of settling all around me. The calm after the storm. The voices and gentility that cradles me each day protecting me from harm slip carefully back into their proper places during that slumber...and then the day of reckoning appears. I am refreshed. My waters are still. Clear. Sparkling. I smile, having no reason to smile other than my being. I have survived the storm. Angry waters are but a memory, but I take from them each time some new lesson. Some new awareness. Some new perspective on the other side of me. The side I am so pleased does not control my actions, my spirit or my choices. I take from it what I need.
And each month the rest washes away.
As much as I hate that storm. I love the quiet that lies just after it. Peace. Quiet. Clarity. Balance. And the knowledge that all is as it should be. My life and everything in it, is my choice. I am back to being...
Comments
Yay PMS!
haha j/k. I have like one good week out of the month. I hate it. When I get "sad PMS" the stupidest of tv ads can make me weepy. It's embarrassing, even if it's only my dog who witnesses it.
L.M.A.O.
Oh...it is brutal.
Luckily, the older I've gotten the less it seems to haunt me. Which is a great thing because the people around me suffer more than I do!
i agree, you've written PMS so well, so elegantly. it's rough, and it sucks, and i hate it when i get that way. some months are better than others. some months i just curl up in bed and wonder why no one loves me. it's awesome. and then the day i start? i'm happy as a clam. it's like, the hormones level out, everything tilts back into its proper place, and i can breathe easy again til i find out what the next month holds.
gotta love being a woman sometimes, huh?
*HUGS* for you, darlin.
1, you said this: some months are better than others. some months i just curl up in bed and wonder why no one loves me. it's awesome.
AMEN. Some months I barely notice any shift. Some months...like this one...I was nearly ready to pop my head in the oven.
2. you said THIS: and then the day i start? i'm happy as a clam. it's like, the hormones level out, everything tilts back into its proper place, and i can breathe easy again til i find out what the next month holds.
Why can't everyday be like that first day? You nailed that description.
i wish every day could be like that first day, too. i love that sense that everything has gone back to normal.
and generally, that's what gets me through the bad days too. the memory that this isn't normal, and trying to remind myself that people actually do love me. the second part doesn't always help much, but as long as i can keep breathing and remember that its not the norm, i can make it.
::hugs:: It'll be over soon. :)
@Stacy: no crying!!! And thanks, Sunshine.
@Lemon: ::hugs in return:: (and I'm with you...I can manage the cramps...it's the crazies I don't like)
(I forgot to say this is good)
As Patty or Karen or my son.. I do the woo woo as well or better than the ladies with the signs in their yards. What do you want to see?
(posted on the 4th - this is no fooling) :-)
I always felt like I hated PMS above all else, until I got pregnant...
I then realized that my PMS was nothing compared to the hormone induced insanity that is carrying larva. If anything this second pregnancy some ten years later has been even more charged, thank goodness for a better partner this time around.
I long for the return of my "normal" monthly ritual of the week of insanity. Yesterday I almost cried because I need to tweeze my eyebrows again. Not because it hurts, because I was convinced that everyone that saw me would think I was hideous.
*sighs*
There is definately something reassuring about knowing with certainty that in a few days all will be well again.
Wow this is a FANTASTIC entry, and perfectly describes my complete breakdown, difficulty to function, and insanity during that time (like right now UGH).
THANK YOU for posting this.
I need to mention I also think that PMS sucks before I go on to my fish obsession, so you don't chew my head off for not acknowledging the main theme of the post. lol.
Do you only have one molly? Usually with semi-aggressive fish if you have several they school and chase one another. However, if the molly's distressing you it's NOT the point of having a fish tank and there's no shame in just bagging it up and just taking it back to the store.
I started off with two..one died about a week after I got them. The sole one has become the bully of the tank. Just to update you...I now have in the tank:
2 platy (one red, one mickey mouse)
1 guppy
1 evil ass nippy molly
3 zebra danio (one small, the other long finned)
2 neon...somethings...(clear with a faint tinge of color through their body and fins)
I get SUPER angry during PMS. Becki calls it my "homicidal time". I drive like a maniac, stare down police dogs, and foam at the mouth.
Well, that's how it feels. I eventually hit the bleeding stage and feel better about myself, but it *is* nice to have the entire world cower for a few days. Wonderful post!
Yep, you nailed it. As always, excellent writing--thanks for making all of us out here feel slightly less insane.
A couple of months ago, I was crying and yelling at my husband, berating him (for nothing) and everyone else and especially LIFE, and he was just all calm about it. A couple days later I started my period, and I told him, and he said, "yeah, I know." He knew it was coming because of my tirade, and he apparently has a formula that goes something like this:
Day 1: Tirade.
Day 2: Severe, weepy sadness.
Day 3: Sudden and intense craving for potato chips. (Normally, I don't like potato chips.) Onset of deep fatigue.
Day 4: Onset of cramps first, then bleeding, coupled with much shaking of my fist at the crampy pain (unless I get the timing of the medication right) and sighing deeply over how terrible women's lives are and how much of a martyr I am for putting up with this just to have his babies.
I guess he takes notes. It's not every month, but this is remarkably reliable. Last month I even asked him: "I'm really sad today--is it that time?" He knew.
Incidentally, I apologize for my behavior just as soon as I realize what's going on. Just as soon as I realize I had no legitimate reason for anger/sadness/potato chips, I apologize, because it isn't an adequate excuse to be a bitch.
It helps to have someone at least understand where it might be coming from. I'm glad you have that. I like to apologize too, just because like it's hard to endure, it's hard for those around us who get the taste of fire (lolol) or the salty tears to catch, without totally knowing why.
Whispers quietly "bite the head off the molly...go on, do it!"
PMS was not so bad for me until two years ago. Then at 41 I started overcompensating. Black black moods. Tears of rage. Undirected and undeserved anger. Wishing I could take to my bed. Finally I had my doc change my birth control pill and that helped a lot. Honestly for a while there I thought I was cracking up.
:::threatens the molly into submission, cuz she can do that NOW:::::
(do fish prowl?)
Neon tetras? Yeah they are great little fish. They are much more comfortable in groups of five or more, so my suggestion would be that you bag up the molly, take it back, and trade it in as part of getting three more neon tetras.
(Just for the record, since it seems to be a cultural myth or habit or something - flushing a sick fish is a very cruel thing to do, and exposes fish in our waterways to whatever disease that fish has. Again, if you can't handle knocking a sick fish on the head, it's better to bag it up and take it to your nearest aquarium store and explain you can't bring yourself to kill it, and leave it with them. Who knows? They may actually be able to nurse it back to health. )
Um, yeah. My wife has never acknowledged PMS as a "real" thing, just something that the guys made up. Living in a house with her, two daughters and a daughter in law, their periods got synched up, and before I knew it there were four PMS'ing women in my household. Needless to say, I worked a lot of overtime during those weeks, and somehow there was always chocolate something or other stashed in case of emergency. Heck, it seems like I used to go buy those big one pound bars of chocolate by the cart load. Self preservation, don't you know.
Now Menopause, that is a whole different subject to talk about...