...and here is a weird flower I snapped with my blackberry at the San Diego airport. It looks like it's growing...muppets.
...and here is a weird flower I snapped with my blackberry at the San Diego airport. It looks like it's growing...muppets.
Here's the view from my hotel room. I'm about to take the 3 mile stroll around the marina.
I already don't ever want to leave.
For the next week (and possibly the rest of my natural life)...I am creating this checklist for all interactions with humans. If three violations occur within the first ten minutes of discourse from the DO NOT WANT column, I'm a splode. Kthxbai.
Some might say there's some things missing from the first column. I'm going to assume most people I interact with generally know how I might respond to lies, manipulation, etc. Besides, I'm going for the ones that lately seem to make me want to go slap silly.
As I head off to a tradeshow this week out west, I ponder if I should put my needs list on my forehead with some skin friendly adhesive. Either that, or pin it to my shirt like teachers did when they were sending you home with critical information as a kid. Or...perhaps I should just start traveling with hazard tape.
Wishing you all a grand, healthy, exciting week full of every little last good thing your little heart desires. Should be back around Thursday.
Cheers!
RPM
One Thing Leads To Another.
I have my moments when I get overstimulated, like a baby.
I have an announcement. I am not social. I am not extroverted. Crowds alarm and irritate me. So does getting pulled in too many directions. So does the expectation of commitment on a friendship level. I live in terror that people will want more from me that I honestly want to give. And yet ironically I feel pulled to mother...and nurture. To heal and to love.
When I was a child, my father says I struggled whenever there were too many people in my space at once. Too many could be me + one other person. He teases that I am still very much that aloof child that prefers the comfort of a book and an open window rather than the boisterous noise of a popular crowd. He is right.
I have another announcement. People sometimes develop an expectation that I will be able to "fix" them, or make right what feels wrong. Sometimes that expectation makes me want to kick and scream and flail and screech for people to get off. I feel a surge of anger and panic during those moments when I don't feel entitled enough to say, "listen, I love you and care about what's going on with you, but for right now I want you to go away." Sometimes, I barely have enough juice in my batteries to keep myself running. Those seem to be the days when everyone wants a jump. I guess I think one day a big jump is gonna just end me completely.
I erupted on the phone with a friend today, after feeling waves of anxiety and anger ebb and flow throughout my veins. I said flatly that it felt like too many people were pulling on me to be supportive, or to answer questions, or offer advice or simply amuse them because they had nothing else at the moment to do. At first I was horrified at my eruption, but then once I got going I finally exclaimed, "I want people to FUCK OFF and stop needing me for something/anything!"
His response?
"Get over it. People need you and they won't go away just because you want them to."
True...but you can't blame a girl for trying. Maybe I don't want them to...go away. Perhaps I just need a little "Dr. Love Heart" vacation. Perhaps I worry that for all the caretaking I'm doing...there won't be anyone there to take care of me.
...
I'm gonna sit with that for awhile.
In an attempt to free up my personal shelves to make way for pieces that are finally starting to take on some serious size and girth, I've put the last of the little items I can bear to part with, on Etsy. I'm finally digging into some orders as well, and have quite a few items on the shelf waiting to be glaze fired.
Onward and upward.
Some things in childhood are so clear to me. Saturday mornings stand out clearly in the time when it was just Mom, Dad and me. For some reason, the music of that time sticks out in my mind, and stays with me even now. I hear certain songs and I am six years old again, drawing by the stereo while my Dad cuts the lawn and my Mom does laundry. They had the most impressive music collection then, and I thank them now for introducing me to such a broad array of music.
The song this week for me, Year of the Cat by Al Stewart.
Gerbera photo from my patio, taken earlier this week. In my planters this spring I have twinspurs (a pale orange), Verbena (purple), Gerbera and Geraniums. I'm hoping to add some more planters when I get home from tradeshowin' next week.
For some reason, when I've had my fill of people, nature/nurture kicks in and helps me recharge my batteries.
It's nice to see their incredible colors each morning.
I received an interesting invitation to have a past life report run on my life, based on my birth information. The report is compiled and applied based on the principles of Edgar Cayce, a sort of grandfather of the New Age movement. I've read a variety of things about him and his prophesies and as is typical in topics of this nature, I find some things relevant and others...not so much. Still, when I read the way the report was compiled, I found myself rather curious.
Last week, I was chatting with a friend of mine that I haven't spoken with in some time, and we got to jokingly talking about past lives. I mentioned casually that if I believed in such things with the understanding that we've likely skewed the details a bit, I'd guess that in one of my former lives, I lived in Egypt. I based my assessment on what felt right. I considered the pottery and how "naturally" it has come to me in the ten or so months I've been actively learning how to throw. I considered the thoughts that lurk in my own head and the fact that certain cultures have always resonated within and fascinated me.
So, recalling that conversation, I humored myself and submitted the details required for the report. What I got back was a blend of past life suggestions and implications with a lot of present day personality description and astrological analysis. Call it whatever, but the report was so accurate, I had to re-read it a few times with a good chuckle.
Some tidbits I found especially interesting...
...from past lives as well as your afterlife soul journey in the Martian dimension of anger and wrath, your will must be exercised to avoid outbreaks of emotion and to control your temper. Alternatively, at times you may appear to suppress your anger, but later this suppression must find an outlet, an expression in some form...
People are usually surprised to find that I have a temper. That is unless they've known me for any length of time. I do tend to squash anger or more importantly, I've struggled with my entitlements regarding anger - but when I don't work through it, I can at times act out. Good thing is, I'll always own my shit when I do it.
...you may also tend to act impulsively without enough forethought. If you are female this aspect may bring challenges through the male side of your subconscious. This means that until you exercise your will to resolve this conflict you are likely to find it difficult to relate to men in the outer world. Frequently being too aggressive, and at times even opinionated and confrontational in your attitude, you may even dislike those of your own sex because of this lack of femininity...
Yep. And yep. What's funny is, I've never considered myself confrontational or even marginally aggressive until I was informed that I was about fifty times. I suppose I went from supressed kid to overcompensating adult. I am not without my extremes.... the Mercury realm of awareness between death and rebirth has carried forth into the present past life development of your mind and communication skills. These Mercurian abilities earned you a planetary sojourn in the Mercury realm, for originally they were probably developed in a past life as a teacher or scribe in ancient Egypt...
There's EGYPT! (I betcha I was a man too. A very opinionated, but hopefully kind, man)
...you are very likely to have marked writing talent which certainly should be used, particularly for the upliftment of others. In fact, you are one whose vocation or avocation should definitely be as a writer.
Dare to dream.
...introversion, however, is likely; yet you are quite able to use your introverted urge in a constructive, practical manner as a distinct opportunity for soul development. For instance, you can use your "loner" tendency to maintain your self-confidence, spiritual attunement and consistency concerning the ideals and higher personal goals you have set for yourself this lifetime.
I think that just justified my cave. I'm all for that.
The report was about 10 pages, and it goes into a lot more detail then I've included here. A fun read. There's a cost of course, but if you wanna consider it, you can find the report here.
Oh, and Seshat? She was the Egyptian goddess of knowledge, wisdom and writing. What? You thought I'd pick Cleopatra? Nah. Too easy.
So last week, I printed out my manuscript, and dug up the red pen. Rather unexpectedly, I wound up clearing an entire day and sitting with the 101 pages of single spaced content. I sat on my couch and read it, beginning to end.
I follow no outline, this story seems to tell its story to me as I go through my life, living it. I've had moments where I've written for days on end, losing sight of time and space around me and going to the place where this story lives. And then, the moment passes and the file sits untouched on my desktop, sitting quietly amongst my budget and other personal files inhabiting the "me" folder. It has patience I have always longed for. It knows it will be written, in its own time. When I am prodded to finish it, I respond that it will be, when it's ready to be done.
The random chunks are now coming together, like oil drops finding each other on the surface of still water. It grows into one complete full piece, whether I like it or not.
Some of the underlying themes of the story I am writing are the notions of intuition, reincarnation and clairvoyance. I've always been fascinated with those ideas as they relate to our understanding of faith and modern religion. When something that seems largely intuitive or "metaphysical" occurs in our lives, we are prepared to attack it with a logical assessment of the event. We rush in to explain it away with something palpable. Over time and lots of practice explaining away everything and anything that has ever happened...it gets increasingly hard to trust anything that doesn't come with a packaged explanation.
What is intuition but a state of knowing. It is a sense of something, with no physical evidence to support it. Problem with that is our logical minds say, if there is no proof, then it ain't. It's a figment of your imagination, and imagination is cute...but doesn't hold any value beyond colorful expression.
Sometimes I can beat back my intuition so far that when I summon it, it gets lost on it's return. Or perhaps I keep batting it away with my wild gesticulation and flailing arms. So yesterday, amid wallowing in my negative energies and the negative energies of some of those around me, I found myself searching for that quiet voice that helps keep me afloat when my waters get rocked by my own "iron-proof" evaluation. While I wait, I cling to well meaning advice that intends to shepherd me to someplace that looks harmless but doesn't quite feel like home to me.
So how do you tap into it, once you've come up with hundreds of reasons to send it packing? Lure it with wine and roses? Scream and cry until you hiccup yourself into child like cry convulsions? Run in circles until you collapse into something? Yeah, I suppose it might come, but perhaps you can bring it back with something other than a hangover, some bruises and a mean stuffy nose. And more importantly, when it DOES bother to speak, how will you know it's intuition and not some vile imposter?
This is of course, all in fun and by no means a tried and true guide...but here's some thoughts.
1. Test your intuition, to see if you're even in the business of tapping into it by your own nature. I scored a 24 on the nose, and I can tell you...I know my biggest lesson in this life is learning to trust it. I always land precisely where I intend, but it would be nice not to drive myself absolutely apeshit while on the way.
2. Intuition does not come by way of someone else's intepretation of where you are, what you're doing and how to get the next point on your journey. Intuition comes from self, so don't look to have it "found" by anyone other than you. Be quiet. Be still. Stop flailing. Stop thinking. Intuition speaks softly, you won't hear it if you don't shut out the other noise.
3. Trust how you feel. When you are following your own "sense" of things, you feel empowered. Energized. Possibly afraid or a little anxious...but ALIVE. You are in the flow and you are inspired to action. When you are avoiding your own sense of things, your progress slows, your perception of outcome becomes negative, you grinde to a standstill and you lose your rhythm. You feel stagnant. Lost. In short, if the notion drives you to take some action forward or preventative/supportive (in the warning sense) it's likely intuition. If it makes you want to curl on the couch nursing yourself with krispy kremes, that's not.
4. Important messages repeat. Our intuition will be persistent as we move through our lives. If there is something we need to know, something we need to remember or "get"...it will come to you, again and again and again...sometimes in a manner that is increasingly obvious until you get it. Don't worry if you miss the first hint.
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