Of all the apartments I've ever had, it was my favorite.
On the corner of 15th and Green Street, I lived in the penthouse apartment. Vaulted ceilings and a loft bedroom that faced a spiral staircase. At the top of that spiral staircase was the roof of the three story brownstone I called home. On nights when my roommate wasn't coming home, I would climb that spiral staircase, sneak out onto that roof and watch the city of Philadelphia glow above and beneath me.
In the summer there was always a haze. But in winter? Winter skies were so clear the stars became palpable. And so I reached for them. Fingers splayed as I stretched, I let cold wind take my breath away until I was numb. As I imagined someone somewhere doing just the same, I was the happiest I have ever been in my life. No one knew why. I smiled a chesire cat grin, content to share my secrets only with the sky.
In whispered conversations, rambling words that read like chapters in a book and flurries of dreams and thoughts I never thought I was allowed to have...I found magic. And magic found me.
And that is what I choose to remember when everything else fades with time. Some things are simply mine to keep.
I feel overexposed and I'm nowhere near famous.
Once upon a time, when I first started blogging over 8 years ago, I lived in perfect anonymity. I could post thoughts and feelings without people wanting more insight, more details...more. I could say whatever I wanted and revel in the fact that no one out there really knew me, or even thought they did. I miss those days of writing without consequence and wish it carried over more into other elements of my life. The content divulged is simply all there is, don't go peeking around for meore because you're really not going to find anything more in this public illusion fueled space. I liked that distance. I loved that distance. Call it passive aggressive, call it whatever you like...it was cathartic and I LOVED it.
I'll let you in on a little secret. I am warm, but I'm not forthcoming. In fact, my little cancer shell can be downright annoying to get beyond. Someone said to me earlier today, "I can have three hours worth of conversation with you...laugh and discuss any number of topics and who knows what else. But unless its politics or sports or something general, you have a way of talking about things without really telling me where you are."
Yep.
Perhaps its because I love people (I do, I DO. When I'm not lusting over the idea of slapping them), but I don't inherently trust them. Oh, I might trust them not to take my wallet, or steal away with my dog. I might even trust them with a few of my inner thoughts on some things. But I don't trust them with me. I don't trust that they will understand me when I need to reveal something ugly or frightening. I don't trust that they won't let me down at a time when I really need them. I don't trust that ultimately, they aren't using me for something. Amusement. Distraction. A shoulder to lean on. An object to project their fears upon. I don't trust that people won't cause me discomfort and then shrug and mumble indifferently when I call them on it.
People let me down and never even know it. I just gradually drift away until one day they turn around and I'm not there. It's easier than repeatedly asking them to give me something they are ill-equipped or too preoccupied to offer and I've never been one to suffer too many arguments. People usually don't want to own an offense (real of perceived). They usually just defend their behavior so it's not their behavior that hurts but your "faulty interpretation" of their intention. Whatever it is...I'll only do that a few times before I just figure that this is an exchange that really doesn't have my needs or best interests at heart.
What I'm looking for in my relationships runs much deeper than a status line and I'm not amused or impressed with appearances, alliances, overtures and sugary sweet terms of endearment that don't have a real spine and tendons and muscle and meat behind them.
If you need me I'll be in the lab, finding out how to manage social expectations that feel like they've gotten the better of me.
"Well he has a few quirks, but I'm going to just charge that up to youth. Once he grows up a little bit, that won't be a problem anymore."
In this society, where we have so many self help tools available to us across many communication channels, I am amazed that people are still falling for the assumption that one person can modify the behavior of another.
I'm not talking about parents with children. That's a parental responsibility (one that people drop the ball on, too). I'm talking adult, "loving" relationships.
Reasonably intelligent people, in their quest to be something other than single, go off in search of companionship with a rough list of likes and dislikes. As they meet others, interact and share time, they begin to reorganize the priority of those wishes and wants as their impatience to get something going gets the better of them. Suddenly, that "chewing with the mouth open" at six months in searching becomes far more tolerable than it was three months ago.
Relationships are about compromise, but they are also about understanding your deal breakers. The things you know deeply affect your ability to be happy and healthy in a relationship with another human being. We have obvious ones like, "I do not ever wish to be hit in the head with a skillet." But when the infractions are a bit less obvious, what happens to our ability to determine what we really can and cannot handle in intimate relationships?
That temper tantrum bit she does when you don't agree to her terms? Remember when it was "kinda cute in an annoying way?" Now it's a major source of discord as you avoid her and the topics most passionate to her in order to keep the peace. And your lesson planning in how NOT to act like a spoiled brat by demonstrating patience, compassion and a willingness to compromise has proven largely...ineffective.
His inability to be emotionally available when you are upset or confused or something other than happy? Remember when it was because he had "a bad breakup" and you were going to show him what it was like to be loved so he could open up? Well you've turned yourself inside out to tend to his emotional and physical needs in an effort to bring him out of his shell and he seems to not only remain unavailable but now he's telling you that you smother him. Ouch.
People grow and evolve in many ways. We don't get to pick and choose how or when or even if they grow at all. It is simply, not up to us. The only thing we can control is selecting the relationships, personal attributes and characteristics that best meet our core emotional, intellectual and physical needs. All of them. Not just physical. I repeat....NOT.JUST.PHYSICAL.
There will always be conflict in relationships. The science of personality is far too complex to override that simple truth. It's not about how you are alike. It's not about how you are different. It's about what you are willing to give and accept NOW, not a year from now when you've grown tired of your science experiment in changing your partner into the person you wished they could be. Quirks become quandaries faster than you can say: Dr. Phil.
How over it you ask?
I'm so over it I'm watching a B-movie called Vegas Vampire - and I'm not even snarking or linking to it. Don't ask. Don't search for it either, you will most assuredly think less of me.
There is SO much going on in my world right now. More than I've told you...more than I've told the people I interact with intermittently throughout a never-ending string of busy days. I've been trying to make the most of it, find the good, embrace the uphill battles and all that good stuff - but I finally reached that point where I climb the stairway to heaven, grip your supreme being of choice and scream, "Enough already with the motherfonging life lessons/curve balls/murphys law nonsense, pick another pet project!!"
Random thoughts.
Is it just me or has 2009 been a total clusterfuck? Famous folks (the good, the bad and the undecided) are dropping like flies. I keep hearing the recession is lifting but someone failed to alert my checking account. The political climate and by extension the social climate of this country is frightening and I live in one of the most backward regions of the world - for reasons that I spend nearly every moment of my life kicking myself over. It's just one piece of bad news after another. I complain about tough years but this one has been especially appalling.
Do people ever realize how superficial they sound when they keep repeating "you're gonna be fine?" I know I'm not a Rhodes Scholar, but I do understand the law of averages. I know things will level out and I'm going to be okay - even better than that. But that is not NOW. In this moment, when I'm doing something I don't typically do - ask for help. If that's the best you have to offer when I'm grieving or ranting or bitching - better you just not inquire. Your reply indicates just how engaged you are in the discussion. Let me be clear. Not inquiring doesn't hurt my feelings. Demonstrating your total disinterest or detachment once you've directly inquired, does. If you're not up for an exchange, pick another sandbox because this one is littered with sharp objects. Token Annie phrases of the sun coming out tomorrow ain't working for me at the moment. How's that for keeping it real?
Never in my life have I ever felt so...whiny. I'm the first born to a military Dad. There was a zero-tolerance for whining in our household. Problems came, you solved them or went about piecing together makeshift plans until solutions could be designed. I didn't permit it in myself and rather than allow you to stay too mired in yours, I'd try to come up with a nugget or two to help you gain some momentum. I have nothing right now. The solution shop is closed. My inner nurturer has apparently recharging batteries. Perhaps that is one of the things I'm meant to learn in this process...wait a minute...
*considers climbing said stairway to heaven and consulting great orb in the sky*
That may just be one of the things this series of unfortunate events is trying very loudly to teach me. Balance. Have balance. In your relationships, give based on what is given and ensure that people make an attempt to provide what you are willing to. If not, get.out.
I did have an interesting conversation today with someone who advised me that you must be mindful of balance. If you know someone is ill equipped to support you, don't ask them to hold your damned crutches. If people are sometimes insensitive when you most require sensitivity? Choose wisely. If people are sometimes strictly logical when you most require ethereal tenderness? Choose wisely. Managing your stress can sometimes be as simple as selecting the resources most apt to bring you peace. Choose wisely.
hmmm...
Eureka?
By the way...I dedicate this post and buckets of love to JP. I thank you so very much. You know why. I don't have many words for the world right now...but these that I have mustered - they are for you.
