3 posts tagged “dreams”

Humans are scary.

Jason said it here. To me, it sums up the basic social interaction debacle many of us are faced with when trying to sincerely and deeply relate to each other. It's the reason some of us feel like we've been holding out our hand in the darkness waiting for the brave soul we desire most to take it...and the reason many of those desired souls seem to do anything but reach back.

Sometimes the most frightening things in the world, are the things we desire more than anything. The more we long for them it seems the more elusive they become. Same works for people, I suspect. The more we rest the very root of our happiness, peace and fulfillment on them, the more they...well, they freak the hell out. There's a lot at stake in loving ourselves, and loving someone else.

I mentioned in my reply to Adrienne this morning, that I can honestly say everything I've ever wanted, I've received. I don't say that with any air of supremacy like I've cracked some magic code. Hell, anything but. I think Life and God, or the Universe or whatever you call that force that shapes and guides our existence is out there listening to every thing we express. Every positive and every negative. Not just what we say out loud we want, but what we silently express we feel we deserve. Sometimes those are two separate and distinct things. And we're more inclined to get what we believe we deserve, rather than what we say we desire. And there's nothing more terrifying than getting what you (truly and honestly) believe you deserve.

Some of the things I've expressed (either in action or my own embittered disappointment) have come to me as clearly as any good thing I've ever wished for myself. It's what we do with the wishes granted, that truly define our existence. And, you know what Adrienne, you're right. People ARE impatient. Chalk me up as one of those impatient people, shaking my fist from time to time at a sky that dares warm my face with sunshine. I have things I have deeply desired, for years. And in all this time, some of those deepest desires have yet to be fulfilled. I'm 35. I'm not married. I have no children. And yet, there are many desires that have been granted beyond my wildest dreams. They didn't come overnight. They came at the price of plenty of long scary days and terrifying nights. But here was the primary difference between the wishes granted and the personal ones yet to come:

I was ready for some. Not ready for all. There's something I believe that must accompany any desire. And it's readiness for the arrival. Sometimes, we think we're ready, we feel we're ready...but for reasons buried deeply within our subconscious, or even in the greater world around us...it simply is not time. I think my desires granted have come because a) I never stopped believing I could achieve them, b) I was willing to endure the creepy moments never doubting for one moment that they would come, and c) I knew clearly what they were to begin with.

If I would dare try and assign a logic to things spiritual, I would say that's the key to the manifestation of things desired in our lives. Stepping away from the theories of The Secret and other personal manifestation theories, I do believe there is a quiet equation to things coming to us. There is a spiritual "resonance" we have to project, that alerts the powers that be to our readiness. Or if you want to look at it from a more secular standpoint...circumstances have to be right for your desires to come to you. And you have to be willing to hang out for a minute because life doesn't always work on our watch.

You might be ready for love, but sometimes that love ain't ready for you. Sometimes that love needs to experience some things to make it ready for you. Sometimes you have to experience somethings to increase your readiness for it. Sometimes we aren't as sure as we adamantly state we are. And sometimes...we just don't believe it's possible.

I've had a long standing desire for that love that endures all things, for that curly haired big eyed boy sleeping contently on his father's chest - an image that's haunted my dreams for more years than you would even believe if I told you. But there have been many times I thought myself unworthy of it...and that's probably chased it away. There have been times when in fear, I clasped and grabbed and tugged and pulled and pushed to "make it ready" for me...and that probably chased it away too. Finally, there have been times when like it or not, that desire has its own cooking to do, to be ready for me. I can't possibly control all those elements, nor is it my ability to "see" all the curves and bends my road is to take. What I can do, is learn whatever I need to learn, find patience where there is none, live with an understanding that I can't possibly control anything but my own optimism, or pessimism and willingness to extend my hand knowing that all wishes, in their own way and in their own time, are granted.

Maybe that makes me a dreamer. And, dreaming itself, can be scary. But I'm alright with that. Because it's better than trying to live this life without it.

As irony would have it,  said yesterday that I thought I never dreamt, and when I did, I almost never remember them. Well I suppose I pissed someone off, because last night I had absurd totally unrelated dreams that were very vivid, very real and just odd.

1. The wedding invitation. I dreamt I was reading the wedding invitation for "his" pending nuptials that I learned about just over a week ago. The invitations were on a heavy stock card, with wedding details and a long section including their interpretations of the relationship and their feelings for each other. The invitation itself was black, with green paper overlay (quite gross I'm sure designed by my subconscious), and the writing on the inside was littered wth spelling errors. I kept noting them as I read, very surprised they would send something out so poorly written and edited. By the time I got the end of the very extensive invitation, I was actually smirking  at the  volume of  errors.  Then I woke up.

2. The stolen cell phone. I was sitting outside of my grandfather's house, in a car with my younger sister, who looked to be about 10 years old, but I was grown. It was winter, and we were about to go somewhere, when this guy looms over the back window of the car, looking inside. He's trying to say something to my sister and I, and I turn to Geebie and tell her to close her door. She hesitates for some reason and I yell it, as the guy darts across to the other side of the car. I'm trying to lock the doors and put up the windows, but he's able to snatch a cellphone from my sisters hand and begins to run down the street. My sister just sits there, looking shocked, and I jump out of the car and yell after this guy to give me back the cell phone. For some reason he stops, and faces me. I tell him my Dad is a cop, and he's just inside the house and all I have to do is holler for him. I tell him he has a choice, I holler and my Dad surely catches him...or he gives me back the phone. He waits for s second, and tosses the phone in the air back to me. I catch it, he turns and runs down the street.

3. Anonymous child. I'm in a house the "feels" to be across the street from my grandfathers house. I am taking care of an infant, maybe six months who has a cold. I don't know my relationship to the child, but I know the child is for the moment in my car. I'm playing with the baby, a girl as she's laying on a blanket on the couch, playing with her feet. I kiss her toes and she starts giggling like crazy and I start to dress her, telling her its time to go. I dress her, as my mom and sister and some other people come in. My mother and I have a debate about whether the baby is warm enough to be outside. For some reason, I felt the need to put her in a snowsuit, though my mother insists its not that cold. I say it is, and I put her in a snowsuit and take one last wipe of her nose. I lift her into my arms, and we exit the house. At my feet is a long, deep metal staircase. I clutch the baby tightly to me, and hesitate before I take a step down. The dream ends there.

I swear I had about three other random, episodic, fleeting dreams. But I couldn't catch them before I woke up. So I guess I do dream. Weird odd, unconnected things. If you're up for telling me what you think any of it means, I'm game to listen.