3 posts tagged “faith”
I've been thinking a lot about spirituality as of late.
I was raised Baptist, but during my lifetime I've also attended Episcopalian, Catholic and Presbyterian churches. I attended Catholic school for nine years. I dated a man in my youth who was on his way to becoming an ordained minister. He has since become a Evangelical leader of several churches. And I shake my head in silence when I know what I know of him and others like him.
There is so much spiritual crisis in this world. It's overwhelming.
These days, I have taken to classifying myself as Spiritual, but not Religious. And I've been asking myself, what lead me to that point? Was it years of seeing people falter in their own faith? Was it watching others lie about their true natures while quoting scripture, bible thumping and making very visible overtures so that they would be regarded as "good Christians?" Was it the observation of people professing to be strong in their faith only to castigate others repeatedly for walking their own path to spiritual enlightenment? Was it the strict limitations some placed on faith and spiritual laws that would tell me that my Uncle was in hell because he was homosexual...and Buddhist? Was it that the people offering advisement on how to be a better Christian seemed unable to take their own advice?
For the past several weeks, I've been reuniting my spiritual self with the Pastor who has owned my heart and earned the title "spiritual teacher" since I was five years old. I have only but to see him, hear his voice and I nearly feel like I'm communing with God. He ministered at my Grandfather's funeral a few years back. I'll never forget that day. I hadn't seen him since I was in my early teens...and so much in my life had happened since then. Things I told everyone. Things I told no one. When he appeared in the doorway of the funeral home, I was overwhelmed by the feelings that slammed into my chest. Joy. Shame. Guilt. Love. Humility. Fear. A sense of being so completely lost. I crashed into his embrace, completely unintelligible, and unable to stop babbling as I sobbed. Not for the loss of my grandfather. For the loss of something deeper. My innocence. Specifically, my innocence in my faith. I thought in that moment, if this is but a fraction of what I will feel regarding this man of God...how in the world am I going to come undone before God?
I still have so many questions. So much of the Bible, I believe is tainted with the bias and motivation of man. I find myself wondering constantly what is truly God's law...and what is man's interpretation of it (and was that interpretation designed for his own gain). I remind myself that the basic rules are simple in the most complicated of ways. But then I also listen to hundreds of different experts who each interpret fine language a hundred different ways. Which is right? And am I allowed to trust my own sense of what I'm being taught? Or am I negotiating with God to make it more palatable?
I'll admit, I tend to frown on those who profess a blind and unyielding embrace to all they are taught in church. I frown when people use the popular catchphrases to demonstrate that they are down with the spiritual cause. I frown when people make a big production of their faith. I question if it's about truly loving and serving God, or simply being seen as loving and serving God.
We live in a very visible world where many of us spend the bulk of our time trying to "appear" to be certain things without actually applying the same weight in actual effort. Being seen as something, offers immediate and surface gratification. Good parents. Caring spouses. Flashy professionals. Brilliant thinkers. God fearing, spiritual souls. Funny, charming, people about town. But at the end of each day, when we stop posturing and posing and talking and listening to ourselves talk and planning how to keep up the parade each day...we are left with our truest beliefs. Our understanding of who are. What truly is most important to us. What we value. Sometimes, we're truthful with ourselves in those moments of quiet undisturbed reflection. I'm willing to bet most of the time, we aren't.
If there is so much out there, that can be interpreted so many different ways...do you ever know what you truly, truly, truly believe in? One of the things, I love so dearly about my childhood Pastor, is his assertion that believing in anything, means careful, deep introspection. Soul searching. Taking a belief and finding it's resonance within. It means asking difficult questions. No walk of faith, in my opinion, is fully traveled unless you are completely willing to ask yourself...what do I believe in? What do my actions, thoughts, words and habits indicate I believe in? Do they ever match?
I don't always agree with everything I've been taught about religion. I am a Christian, but I can appreciate the beauty and spiritual integrity of other faiths. I think we get lost in classifying the differences to the point of ignoring the overriding similarities. I guess a few of our missions during our time in this life include: 1) identify what we choose to believe, 2) be willing to explore it, review it and study it to learn all we can, 3) aspire to be the best people we can be, based on those beliefs.
Its probably the most significant thing we could ever do. And I don't think at the end of that journey it's going to be about all the ways you said you believed. I think it's going to be about all the times your actions proved that you did. The actions no one sees, but you and whoever you hold yourself accountable to.
A nugget of wisdom that Pastor passed on to me:
Don't waste time trying to impress your faith on me. Just make sure you believe it with every fiber of your being.
That's what Steve would call me on most days. If we dare talk about spirituality versus organized religion, or anything he feels is remotely new-age like, in nature - it becomes my moniker.
We debate voraciously about organized religion on most days. We both came from households where God was an integral part of the moral code we were taught. We both went to catholic grade schools. We both experienced a butt whoopin' from a nun...we share a common experience. Still, today we are diametrically opposed on the state of organized religion and it's merit in today's society.
I've heard it from him, and others. "You know where all the desirable, strong, capable types of men you'd be attracted to are? They're in church!"
Church is not EHarmony folks. What transpires in many churches among those pews is just another sad soap opera. I also do not subscribe to the notion that a person's spiritual connectedness links directly to how often they sit in a pew each month. I do not believe that my lack of spouse, "american made family" and house with white picket fence and 2.5 children is a direct result of my absence from the church show. Finally, I do NOT believe this means I am angry at God. Quite to the contrary, in fact. I adore God. It's people and their interpretation of that Being that make me ill.
My father taught me (going against the grain of that Catholic school education) that God was with me always and that I could speak to Him, whenever I wanted to, hear Him whenever I chose to listen. My mother ingrained in me an even more unusual approach. My mother told me that God used my intuition to speak to me. To send me quiet messages when I needed them, to protect me from harm, to show me the beginings of a path I was "destined" to follow. My father's love of Asian culture, and the exploration of non-traditional thought, passed on to me. And my life, for the most part was free of believing I needed to be judged and reviewed by my peers for "spiritual-worthiness." I believed I carried God with me, at all times. In my actions, in my beliefs and in every expression of love. And so...I try to manifest love in every element of my life. Because it makes me feel closer, to Him.
I started meditation this weekend. My reiki practitioner has been on me about it. My therapist at one point suggested it. My hatha yoga instructor mentioned it. My friend Lisane boasted of it's merits. All very viable "flash cards" from God advising me to use another tool of spiritual connectedness. I'm journaling about it, the day after each session, to record and monitor the effects on my personal well-being. Quieting the mind, so I can actually hear...everything else. Powerful but very difficult when we use our minds to ration out every encounter in our lives. Turning off the minds' computer can be a very frightening notion...even if it is only for 30 minutes at a time. So far...this feels like a very good thing. (disclaimer: these are my beliefs and practices and I am sharing them with you, I do not proclaim them to be "right and just"...simply sharing what brings me peace and has worked for me)
It's funny how these things seem to come in clusters. I had three individuals, none related to each other with regard to how they know me, suggest a book. Three different people, at three different points in my journey - all with the same thought. "It's time you read this." Ask and it is Given, by Esther and Jerry Hicks.
I read through some of the reviews on Amazon a year ago and weighed the pros and cons. I balked, said I'd think about it later. I thought it seemed to abstract and new age for me. Six months later, person number two suggested it, during one of my "twisting in the wind" moments. I went back to the authors website...grew a little intrigued but managed to avoid giving it any serious consideration. This morning, it was suggested again, third party, when I recounted how the past three nights of meditation fared. I dismissed and said I'd look into it later. As we parted ways, her to begin her work day and me to stop by Barnes and Noble to pick up another journal I wondered why it seemed that book continues to "pop" up in my interactions.
I got to the bookstore, visited the journals, selected my next installment, and wandered to the new fiction table. I just can't seem to leave that place without at least one new read. As I was stepping out of the way of a passing customer, I bumped into a display table, knocking a book to the floor. I grew crimson faced, (clumsy RPM strikes again) and quickly picked up the book with a little giggle, and apology. I apologize to books because they have feelings too. I picked it up, set it back on the table and beside it, sat this:
I had to ask myself at that point..."How many times does the Universe/God have to give you a hint?" I suppose the next step would have been for a copy to thump me in the head while I was taking out the trash, but that would have just been...eerie
Let's make a list. What are 20 things in your life that you're grateful for?
Inspired by wyndslash.vox.com.
20 Things I'm Grateful For:
These are not numbered in order of importance, just literally as they come to me.
1. God. He loves me enough to give me not what I want, but what I need. He stays with me when I am at my worst. He listens to me every moment of my life. He's created EVERYTHING else I am grateful for.
2. Heather Gabrielle. My sibby. The baby sister. I never thought I would appreciate the impact of sisterhood as
4. My Mom. What can I say. She makes me crazy - but at the end of it all there is not one fight she's unwilling to
5. My Dad. He's my hero. My Dad is and has always been larger than life. He was the giant on the block that everyone ran to in crisis. He was so bad back in those days, no one was more afraid of him then we were. But over time, I came to understand the method in his madness. He loves hard. Fights hard. Plays hard. He gave me a prowess
6. My friends. They know who they are. And I hope they know how their support, laughter and experiences have made me a richer, happier woman. I'm not always easy to get to know. And, I've learned to be careful about who I give that title to. They are as eclectic in their interests and characteristics as I am. If I brought them all together, you'd feel that I'm probably a little schizophrenic. But once everyone sat down and broke bread...you'd probably hear some of the most memorable, amazing conversations ever heard. I'm very proud of that.
7. Pets. If you've ever had one, then you know what a treasure they are. I don't have a child, so my dog comes closest to that. The unadulterated love, attention and tenderness and the laughter they provide, cures any ill.
8. Adversity. Yes. I'm grateful for any and all adversity I've ever experienced. Why? Because I know it is the impetus for growth. It hurts. It's frightening, it's scary..but every time you perservere through it, you are rewarded with something. Wisdom. Courage. Greater faith. Encouragement to make it through the next challenge.
9. The Ocean. It always takes my breath away when I first happen upon it after a long absence. It reminds me just hpw small we are, and how magnificent God's work truly is. It soothes me, and inspires emotion. Every time.
10. My health. It may not always be perfect, but it's perfect for what I need it to do.
11. Charlie. Why? Because he comes with lessons, experiences and his own set of challenges that help me to see
my world through a different lens. It has never been easy, but I've always felt I was supposed to know him. I knew that years before we ever met, knew his face, his hands his heart. So once we did, he was immediately familiar. With him, I've learned to see some things about me that I never realized were there. We've made some great memories, and some gigantic messes. He brought on an evolution, as much as he might not have intended to. The jury is still out on exactly why, but I know there is a gift in our knowing each other. And we can both attest that our meeting significantly changed both of our lives, So whatever God's plan is and has been...I thank Him.
12. My Boss. He's more than a boss, he's a friend. And how many people can say that? He's sincere. Doesn't apologize for who he is, but once you're a part of his professional family - there isn't one thing he wouldn't do for you. He came to me at a serious time of transition for me - and he gave me just what I needed. An opportunity to spread my wings, to assert my own vision and to heal from some of the challenges of the past. In this time of corporate squeezing, game playing and red tape...his vision comes as a welcome change.
13. Therapy. I thought I knew what I knew. Didn't know what I didnt know until I popped the lid off my pot to see what was really brewing inside. Healing comes when you open your arms to it. It's brought me closer to my family, taught me the value of acceptance...and more importantly - it's given me the tools to love and nurture me.
14. Barack Obama. Humor me. Until his emergence as the Senator-elect in Illinois, I lost faith in the future of
15. Science and Technology. Without it, we'd be so limited in every facet of life. From medical breakthroughs, to quality of life to modern conveniences to creativity - science and technology literally gives us the world. It like anything else can be abused, but without it, we'd still be in the dark.
16. Mildred D. Taylor. Books were my escape. What I couldn't do in life, I could always do in a book. There are hundreds of authors who have touched my life. Maya Angelou, Alice Walker, Pearl Cleage, Richard Wright, Ngugi wa Thiongo and volumes more. But it was Mildred D. Taylor that cemented my passion. "Roll of Thunder, Hear My Cry" gave me character development I had never encountered before. "Let the Circle Be Unbroken" gave me permission to lose myself in the pages of a tale. I would close the books as a child and it would take me hours sometimes, to come back to myself. And I knew then, I wanted to be able to weave that same magic for anyone curious enough to read my stuff. She inspired me.
17. Music. For every story, there simply must be a song. My parents gave me a broad appreciation of music. The Stones, The Beatles, Jimi Hendrix, Miles Davis, The Monkees, Ella Fitzgerald, The Doors, Mozart. My parents listened to everything. To this day, my brother, sister and I can astound (and sometimes frighten) people with what we'll listen to. Our respective collections are so eclectic, it's impossible to fit any of them into one category. Music makes every story of our lives richer. It inspires. It's one of the greatest gifts God could ever give us.
18. Philadelphia Museum of Art. My own personal tie to my home city, Philadelphia. Designed by my great-grandfather, Julian Francis Abele, the Philly Museum of Art is a testament to my own heritage a legacy that overwhelms and fascinates me. The amazing creativity of a trend setting African American architect ahead of his time. To see something that impressive, that historic, that beautiful housing some of the worlds most amazing works of art...I still struggle to find words for what that feels like. I get goosebumps every time I come within a mile of it.
19. Love. Without it, non of us would be here.
20. This exercise. It reminds me of everything that is good. And during times like this - it's necessary.
