Blissfully Naked.

Are things ever what they seem?

nobody@vox.com(RPM) — Thu, 08 May 2008 11:44:52 -0500

Gnarls Barkley

Someone said to me once, "what you perceive, isn't always what is."

At the time I wanted to find the nearest blunt object and bludgeon him to within an inch of his life. But time and insight can do wonders for the desire to maim. Because frankly, what he said was truth. But one of my struggles is understanding and accepting that people find their own truths and their own light, in their own time. To me, it mattered not that I knew truth as much as I was supposed to accept that what was projected on the surface was false. And for the life of me, I just can't imagine why everyone one in this world wouldn't want to be absolutely in the light. Living and being who they truly are. Saying what they really think. Free. Why wear a mask?

The short answer I guess is because they feel they must. And who am I to determine for others how valid or invalid their fears are, or the reasons they feel they are locked in their own spiritual or mental prison?

That thought stays with me. Haunts me. Partially because of the person who said it. Partially because I've been fascinated by my own frustration with it, and partially because I see so many examples of that statement in the stories that swirl about me.

Nothing is ever as it seems. When we covet what we think others have, when we compare it to our notion of how much bigger, better or broader our lives would be if we lived in someone else's skin...we're as far from the truth as we could ever be. How many times have I looked at the surface of a situation, thinking or even envying what I believe I see, only to find out later that the characters have their own demons they are wrestling. And so many are about the business of working on the appearance of things that they don't stop to deal with the murky waters of their own mess until it's pulling them under. Varying in our levels of self awareness, we either just stop spending time working on the pretty packaging and deal with the stuff inside, or we wait for the stuff inside to come busting out to scare/shock/amuse the hell out of everyone...but the worst, in my opinion...is pretending that it won't happen.

It always does. Truth is a lot like gas. You just can't keep it in. But you do have a choice about the kind of stink you make when it happens. And it's only when you recognize your ability to choose, that you take the first step to finding your own personal freedom.

"No matter where you go, there you are."

Read and post comments | Send to a friend

The acceptance of things...

nobody@vox.com(RPM) — Mon, 07 May 2007 07:51:21 -0500

My mom was in this weekend, to prepare for settlement on her house (which happens today). She has keys, she has an address, and this afternoon she will have a home in Texas.

I am over it for the most part. I've gotten over the feeling of being swallowed whole. I've accepted that they are on their way. I've also accepted that there are things in life that you may not think you want, but apparently need to experience for reasons you won't understand a minute before you are supposed to. The anguish comes in fighting the tide. Most of all I've learned that it can never be all about you. There are lessons that time provides, we just despise having to have the patience to experience them.

While we were in the house, I went through each room by myself, touching the walls, getting a sense for the room. And this is going to sound odd but, I went into the bathroom, closed the door and shut off the lights for a few moments. It's just something I do before I move into new space, to get a feel for it's history. I don't make a production of it, I try to go unnoticed, but the realtor caught me to my embarrassment and pulled me aside later.

"What do you think of the house?"

I told her I liked it for them. The house had good energy, I could tell that a kind person lived here. An older person, who lived by herself and had passed away not long ago. The realtor looked at me and she says, "How did you know that?"

I told her I could feel it. That she was a very kind woman, she had a peaceful happy life. There was a calm in the place, a quiet serenity that was very welcoming. The realtor then goes, "what were you doing in the bathroom?"

I looked at her and we both chuckled. I've known her since I moved into my own place a ways back. We've had surface level understanding, chatty conversations about politics and living in Austin. Nothing much deeper. I didn't answer her directly and finally she goes, "you're pyschic."

I laughed. I think, in fact, I might have snorted. That word carries with it immediate baggage. Sort of like, divorced, or handicapped or monster. There are all sorts of predisposed notions that are handed over once any word in this group is uttered, and I don't like predisposed notions. I replied that I was intuitive, yes. That I use my perception many times to tell me what my eyes or the "edited" story may not. I use it to read between the lines. To fill in the blanks. I don't have any ability to forecast the weather or predict winning lottery numbers...but I can sense what's happening in a space, and I can pick up more from people then just what tumbles from their lips. I see paths, sometimes that make no sense at all...until they happen. Don't we all have this capability to some degree? How much we benefit from it largely depends on how much we get in our own way of accessing it. So, does that make me crazy? *cues Gnarls Barkley*

Crazy

When we were driving back from Cedar Park and furniture stores, I had two instances where I was beseiged by a butterfly. One fluttered around me curiously in front of IHOP, dancing near my face before moving on after about ten seconds. The second one, later in the afternoon, hitched a ride to my windshield and drove with me for about a quarter of a mile. Sometimes I have a series of things that seem to occur with a message attached. I hear things. I observe things. Things are suggested silently to me, in a variety of ways. I don't know what any of that means...

but I accept that, too.

The hardest part in all of this, this acceptance of things...is knowing what you know, having no proof or explanation or logical reasons mapped out to justify a bit of it. Sitting on a nest of things, wondering how they will hatch and hoping no one comes by to ask you what the fuck you think you're doing. Or better still, resisting the urge to tamper with life in order orchestrate what you want in lieu of trusting that somethings truly are just not in your hands to control.

Sometimes when you think you're lost, and nothing is happening as you planned it...you have to acknowledge that you might be steering just a little bit too hard. Sometimes you have to drift, and trust...and know there is a sense to every little thing happening. Every little thing. And it can be good, if you allow it.

Goapele "Closer" Original music video

Read and post comments | Send to a friend

The first ten tracks of 2007.

nobody@vox.com(RPM) — Mon, 01 Jan 2007 14:24:03 -0600

After cleaning the house from top to bottom (Neat Nazi), dodging hellacious Happy New Year gunfire (done with typical Texas zeal) and getting submerged in espionage until the wee wee hours of the morning....I decided to roll into my little playlist, a random shuffle to see what songs pop up as an indicator of the year in store.

Here's the first ten tracks...

1. The Never That You'll Never Know. Mint Condition.
Chorus:

The only never that's for sure
Is the never that you never know
It's crazy just how love can go
With the never that you never know

I, John

2. Take Time, Slow Down. John Forte
Verse 2:
Took her to the beach and gave a short speech
You're running with me no need to play keeps
Woke up that morning to watch you stay asleep
It is what it is, don't make it too deep
It is what it is, it's only 8 weeks
Don't think too much of what it might be
Be sure you wanna deal with a man like me
When you're not sure of what I might be

3. I Miss You. Bjork

Verse 1:
i miss you
but i haven't met you yet
so special
but it hasn't happened yet
you are gorgeous
but i haven't met you yet
i remember
but it hasn't happened yet

Songs in the Key of Life

4. As If You Read My Mind. Stevie Wonder
Verse 2:

Take a chance on the secret
That you hide for beneath your dreams
Use your wildest imagination
You just tell me what it is and I will make it be

5. Revolution. Arrested Development
Bridge:
I said, are you doing as much
As you can for their struggle (no)
Am I doing as much as
I can for their struggle (no)

6. Do You Love What You Feel. Rufus and Chaka Khan
Chorus:
Do you love what you feel
Cause I love what you do to me
Do you love what you feel
Cause I love what you do to me

Beyond

7. A Life. Joshua Redman

8. Confusion. (Pump Panel Reconstruction Mix) New Order
Chorus:
You just can't believe me
When I show you what you mean to me
You just can't believe me
When I show you what you cannot see

(Editor's note: No SHIT! We sure this wasn't 2006??)

9. Sunday Mornings. Maroon 5
Verse 1:

Sunday morning rain is falling
Steal some covers share some skin
Clouds are shrouding us in moments unforgettable
You twist to fit the mold that I am in
But things just get so crazy living life gets hard to do
And I would gladly hit the road get up and go if I knew
That someday it would bring me back to you
That someday it would bring me back to you

St. Elsewhere

10. Transformer. Gnarls Barkley
Verse 1:
I'm just being myself
Plus I gotta be me too
Silly of me to think that
I couldn't bring myself to be you
Ah but behold there is benevolence
Behind this but don't stare though
Be careful cause I'll kill you
With kindness
That why I'm dressed quite neatly
Cause Its easy and discreetly they seek me
And when they reach me and see me
they believe me completely
I'm a real live wire I ain't lying
If its between me and you I ain't dying
I can transform, I can transform, I can transform
Without even trying wow

...So there you have it. A mish mash assembly of living. Suitable for me, eh?

Read and post comments | Send to a friend