3 posts tagged “god”

That's what Steve would call me on most days. If we dare talk about spirituality versus organized religion, or anything he feels is remotely new-age like, in nature - it becomes my moniker.

We debate voraciously about organized religion on most days. We both came from households where God was an integral part of the moral code we were taught. We both went to catholic grade schools. We both experienced a butt whoopin' from a nun...we share a common experience. Still, today we are diametrically opposed on the state of organized religion and it's merit in today's society.

I've heard it from him, and others. "You know where all the desirable, strong, capable types of men you'd be attracted to are? They're in church!"

Church is not EHarmony folks. What transpires in many churches among those pews is just another sad soap opera. I also do not subscribe to the notion that a person's spiritual connectedness links directly to how often they sit in a pew each month. I do not believe that my lack of spouse, "american made family" and house with white picket fence and 2.5 children is a direct result of my absence from the church show. Finally, I do NOT believe this means I am angry at God. Quite to the contrary, in fact. I adore God. It's people and their interpretation of that Being that make me ill.

My father taught me (going against the grain of that Catholic school education) that God was with me always and that I could speak to Him, whenever I wanted to, hear Him whenever I chose to listen. My mother ingrained in me an even more unusual approach. My mother told me that God used my intuition to speak to me. To send me quiet messages when I needed them, to protect me from harm, to show me the beginings of a path I was "destined" to follow. My father's love of Asian culture, and the exploration of non-traditional thought, passed on to me. And my life, for the most part was free of believing I needed to be judged and reviewed by my peers for "spiritual-worthiness." I believed I carried God with me, at all times. In my actions, in my beliefs and in every expression of love. And so...I try to manifest love in every element of my life. Because it makes me feel closer, to Him.

I started meditation this weekend. My reiki practitioner has been on me about it. My therapist at one point suggested it. My hatha yoga instructor mentioned it. My friend Lisane boasted of it's merits. All very viable "flash cards" from God advising me to use another tool of spiritual connectedness. I'm journaling about it, the day after each session, to record and monitor the effects on my personal well-being. Quieting the mind, so I can actually hear...everything else. Powerful but very difficult when we use our minds to ration out every encounter in our lives. Turning off the minds' computer can be a very frightening notion...even if it is only for 30 minutes at a time. So far...this feels like a very good thing. (disclaimer: these are my beliefs and practices and I am sharing them with you, I do not proclaim them to be "right and just"...simply sharing what brings me peace and has worked for me)

It's funny how these things seem to come in clusters. I had three individuals, none related to each other with regard to how they know me, suggest a book. Three different people, at three different points in my journey - all with the same thought. "It's time you read this." Ask and it is Given, by Esther and Jerry Hicks.

I read through some of the reviews on Amazon a year ago and weighed the pros and cons. I balked, said I'd think about it later. I thought it seemed to abstract and new age for me. Six months later, person number two suggested it, during one of my "twisting in the wind" moments. I went back to the authors website...grew a little intrigued but managed to avoid giving it any serious consideration. This morning, it was suggested again, third party, when I recounted how the past three nights of meditation fared. I dismissed and said I'd look into it later. As we parted ways, her to begin her work day and me to stop by Barnes and Noble to pick up another journal I wondered why it seemed that book continues to "pop" up in my interactions.

I got to the bookstore, visited the journals, selected my next installment, and wandered to the new fiction table. I just can't seem to leave that place without at least one new read. As I was stepping out of the way of a passing customer, I bumped into a display table, knocking a book to the floor. I grew crimson faced, (clumsy RPM strikes again) and quickly picked up the book with a little giggle, and apology. I apologize to books because they have feelings too. I picked it up, set it back on the table and beside it, sat this: 

I had to ask myself at that point..."How many times does the Universe/God have to give you a hint?" I suppose the next step would have been for a copy to thump me in the head while I was taking out the trash, but that would have just been...eerie

Thy will be done.

She knocked on my door, cold and puffy eyed. How could I turn away a friend in tears? I stepped aside, got off the phone and made a place for her on the sofa. She's always strong as a rock this one. Young, but a wise soul who has taught me more than I have been able to teach her. She started clicking together legos (didn't I tell you those lil jewels are therapeutic) and tried to piece her thoughts together among reds, yellows, blues and greens.

"God spoke to me this morning, gave me some insight." She offered finally. She glanced up at me furtively to see if I would offer any recognition or say, "hey, me too!" When I did neither, she continued. "I was watching this sermon this morning on television and the pastor was talking about relationships and how to heal them. That we have to be willing to listen, and to apologize when we're wrong." She went to explain some other elements of the sermon.

I already knew where she was going, perhaps better than she did, She broke up with a guy about four months ago. And on our way to have lunch on Saturday she mentioned how proud she was that she had been able to keep her commitment to staying away from him. This came across as an indication that lately he was on her mind. She had been reflecting a lot on the past lately, which for her means she's still not at peace with her decision.

She proceeds to tell me she knew that sermon was for her. It was God's way of telling her she needed to contact him, and to really make peace with their closure, she needed to apologize to him - for any wrongs she may have committed and communicate that she also was forgiving him. My look of dubious disbelief sprang to my face before I could stop it. She stopped mid sentence, then proceeded to the end of her nicely package deliverance.

"Did your parting end particularly badly?" I thought back and remembered the mature way she told him what she was looking for in a relationship and how he carefully explained he didn't want a relationship at that point in his life. I struggled to sort out what she needed to apologize for.

She shook her head. I paced her through a series of questions about any ill words, deceitful actions or angry tirades or accusations she might have made. She answered, no, no, no and no. I struggled to find where she needed to make amends. She answered she wasn't sure about what...but God was clearly telling her she had to do it.

I chewed on my words thoughtfully. I didn't want to sit on them, but I did want to choose them wisely. "You've been talking a lot about him lately. So I know how much he must be churning around in your mind. You've still got some feelings, because you're still angry. Is this call about closure...or is this call about something else?"

She stared at me with blank eyes. "What do you mean?"

I waited. "Is this about you just wanting to call to initiate a conversation in which you can feel him out? See how he's feeling now? See if maybe there's something left other than goodbye?"

She shook her head adamantly. "No. I don't want to talk to him, that's just it. I hate having to do this. But I realize now that this is what God wants me to do. And so I have to set a strong example to him of what a proper goodbye is, and that's when I'll really have my closure. I just want to say, I forgive you...I hope you can forgive me..and we can finally be done with this."

"Doesn't that fact that you've been out of touch for months after you both said goodbye indicate that you both are done?" I asked. She shook her head again. I studied her face. She grew angry. Defensive. Didn't want to talk about it anymore. I told her I'd support her as her friend no matter the choice she made. And I will.

But I tell you...what I "heard" was....He's on my mind. It's the holidays, I miss him - but I'm ashamed to say I miss him because the world will think me a fool for it. I need to hear his voice. I need to hear if he's as done as I wish I was. I need to call him, to know for sure. I need not to just say that though, because I don't want to have to defend my logic. So, I will wrap God around it. Make this desire not my wish, but God's want. And you won't dare dispute that. Not if you call  yourself a believer in HIM.

God may want closure, but what she wants is another chance.

Thy will be done.

The danger with trying to interpret God too heavily, is the temptation to make your thoughts his commands.  In the name of God, we can find the motivation to do many things. And oft times, God's will didn't have a thing to do with it.

Let's make a list.  What are 20 things in your life that you're grateful for? 
Inspired by wyndslash.vox.com.

20 Things I'm Grateful For:

These are not numbered in order of importance, just literally as they come to me.

1. God. He loves me enough to give me not what I want, but what I need. He stays with me when I am at my worst. He listens to me every moment of my life. He's created EVERYTHING else I am grateful for.

2. Heather Gabrielle. My sibby. The baby sister. I never thought I would appreciate the impact of sisterhood as

much as I do now. She lets me talk, and talk, and talk and talk and talk and talk. She knows when I'm strictly on some bullshit, and she calls my bluff when it's required. Even when she's THOUSANDS of miles away from me, I feel her with me through every high and low. The only person I can have a horrific fight with, then hug and laugh with seconds later. She makes me crazy, but I would never want to live this life without her. And she was my very first, and most dedicated cheering section.

3. Charles James. My little brother. Nothing little about him anymore. At six'three with a big broad shoulders to go with a killer smile - he's a man. We can be as different as night and day at times, but at the core - my brother and I are identical in our moods and our respective sensitivities. I love him more than I can ever seem to find the words. He makes me laugh, and the older he gets, he makes me think too. Watching him evolve is such a pleasure.

4. My Mom. What can I say. She makes me crazy - but at the end of it all there is not one fight she's unwilling to

fight for me. She's had her share of drama. She's experienced things I can't even begin to imagine. And she grew. Evolved. Created a family with my Dad and never skimped on giving us the very best of her, without fail. She's stronger than she knows. She's given me the gift of gab. She gave me poise and the encouragement to be intuitive, to be a dreamer.

5. My Dad. He's my hero. My Dad is and has always been larger than life. He was the giant on the block that everyone ran to in crisis. He was so bad back in those days, no one was more afraid of him then we were. But over time, I came to understand the method in his madness. He loves hard. Fights hard. Plays hard. He gave me a prowess

to tear my way through any challenge I'm given. He made it clear that failure, just doesn't work for us. I thank him for my toughness. My perserverance. My fight. Making him proud drives me more than he'll ever know.

6. My friends. They know who they are. And I hope they know how their support, laughter and experiences have made me a richer, happier woman. I'm not always easy to get to know. And, I've learned to be careful about who I give that title to. They are as eclectic in their interests and characteristics as I am. If I brought them all together, you'd feel that I'm probably a little schizophrenic. But once everyone sat down and broke bread...you'd probably hear some of the most memorable, amazing conversations ever heard. I'm very proud of that.   

7. Pets. If you've ever had one, then you know what a treasure they are. I don't have a child, so my dog comes closest to that. The unadulterated love, attention and tenderness and the laughter they provide, cures any ill.

8. Adversity. Yes. I'm grateful for any and all adversity I've ever experienced. Why? Because I know it is the impetus for growth. It hurts. It's frightening, it's scary..but every time you perservere through it, you are rewarded with something. Wisdom. Courage. Greater faith. Encouragement to make it through the next challenge.

9. The Ocean. It always takes my breath away when I first happen upon it after a long absence. It reminds me just hpw small we are, and how magnificent God's work truly is. It soothes me, and inspires emotion. Every time.

10. My health. It may not always be perfect, but it's perfect for what I need it to do.

11. Charlie. Why? Because he comes with lessons, experiences and his own set of challenges that help me to see my world through a different lens. It has never been easy, but I've always felt I was supposed to know him. I knew that years before we ever met, knew his face, his hands his heart. So once we did, he was immediately familiar. With him, I've learned to see some things about me that I never realized were there. We've made some great memories, and some gigantic messes. He brought on an evolution, as much as he might not have intended to. The jury is still out on exactly why, but I know there is a gift in our knowing each other. And we can both attest that our meeting significantly changed both of our lives, So whatever God's plan is and has been...I thank Him.

12. My  Boss.  He's more than a boss, he's a friend. And how many people can say that?  He's sincere. Doesn't apologize for who he is, but once you're a part of his professional family - there isn't one thing he wouldn't do for you. He came to me at a serious time of transition for me - and he gave me just what I needed. An opportunity to spread my wings, to assert my own vision and to heal from some of the challenges of the past. In this time of corporate squeezing, game playing and red tape...his vision comes as a welcome change.

13. Therapy. I thought I knew what I knew. Didn't know what I didnt know until I popped the lid off my pot to see what was really brewing inside. Healing comes when you open your arms to it. It's brought me closer to my family, taught me the value of acceptance...and more importantly - it's given me the tools to love and nurture me.

14. Barack Obama. Humor me. Until his emergence as the Senator-elect in Illinois, I lost faith in the future of

politics. I especially lost hope for the future of black politicians who would be unafraid to embrace their culture while establishing a political platform steeped in sincerity and honest passion for improvement. Barack makes me excited about what COULD be. He's one I hope my future children can someday call a hero.

15. Science and Technology. Without it, we'd be so limited in every facet of life. From medical breakthroughs, to quality of life to modern conveniences to creativity - science and technology literally gives us the world. It like anything else can be abused, but without it, we'd still be in the dark.

16. Mildred D. Taylor. Books were my escape. What I couldn't do in life, I could always do in a book. There are hundreds of authors who have touched my life. Maya Angelou, Alice Walker, Pearl Cleage, Richard Wright, Ngugi wa Thiongo and volumes more. But it was Mildred D. Taylor that cemented my passion. "Roll of Thunder, Hear My Cry" gave me character development I had never encountered before. "Let the Circle Be Unbroken" gave me permission to lose myself in the pages of a tale. I would close the books as a child and it would take me hours sometimes, to come back to myself. And I knew then, I wanted to be able to weave that same magic for anyone curious enough to read my stuff. She inspired me.

17. Music. For every story, there simply must be a song. My parents gave me a broad appreciation of music. The Stones, The Beatles, Jimi Hendrix, Miles Davis, The Monkees, Ella Fitzgerald, The Doors, Mozart. My parents listened to everything. To this day, my brother, sister and I can astound (and sometimes frighten) people with what we'll listen to. Our respective collections are so eclectic, it's impossible to fit any of them into one category. Music makes every story of our lives richer. It inspires. It's one of the greatest gifts God could ever give us.

18. Philadelphia Museum of Art.  My own personal tie to my home city, Philadelphia. Designed by my great-grandfather, Julian Francis Abele, the Philly Museum of Art is a testament to my own heritage a legacy that overwhelms and fascinates me. The amazing creativity of a trend setting African American architect ahead of his time. To see something that impressive, that historic, that beautiful housing some of the worlds most amazing works of art...I still struggle to find words for what that feels like. I get goosebumps every time I come within a mile of it.

19. Love. Without it, non of us would be here.

20. This exercise. It reminds me of everything that is good. And during times like this - it's necessary.