Blissfully Naked.

Manuscript Intuition

nobody@vox.com(RPM) — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 14:49:53 -0600

So last week, I printed out my manuscript, and dug up the red pen. Rather unexpectedly, I wound up clearing an entire day and sitting with the 101 pages of single spaced content. I sat on my couch and read it, beginning to end.

I follow no outline, this story seems to tell its story to me as I go through my life, living it. I've had moments where I've written for days on end, losing sight of time and space around me and going to the place where this story lives. And then, the moment passes and the file sits untouched on my desktop, sitting quietly amongst my budget and other personal files inhabiting the "me" folder. It has patience I have always longed for. It knows it will be written, in its own time. When I am prodded to finish it, I respond that it will be, when it's ready to be done.

The random chunks are now coming together, like oil drops finding each other on the surface of still water. It grows into one complete full piece, whether I like it or not.

Some of the underlying themes of the story I am writing are the notions of intuition, reincarnation and clairvoyance. I've always been fascinated with those ideas as they relate to our understanding of faith and modern religion. When something that seems largely intuitive or "metaphysical" occurs in our lives, we are prepared to attack it with a logical assessment of the event. We rush in to explain it away with something palpable. Over time and lots of practice explaining away everything and anything that has ever happened...it gets increasingly hard to trust anything that doesn't come with a packaged explanation.

What is intuition but a state of knowing. It is a sense of something, with no physical evidence to support it. Problem with that is our logical minds say, if there is no proof, then it ain't. It's a figment of your imagination, and imagination is cute...but doesn't hold any value beyond colorful expression.

Imagination is everything. It is the preview of life's coming attractions.
The only real valuable thing is intuition.

- quotes credited to Albert Einstein.

Sometimes I can beat back my intuition so far that when I summon it, it gets lost on it's return. Or perhaps I keep batting it away with my wild gesticulation and flailing arms. So yesterday, amid wallowing in my negative energies and the negative energies of some of those around me, I found myself searching for that quiet voice that helps keep me afloat when my waters get rocked by my own "iron-proof" evaluation. While I wait, I cling to well meaning advice that intends to shepherd me to someplace that looks harmless but doesn't quite feel like home to me.

So how do you tap into it, once you've come up with hundreds of reasons to send it packing? Lure it with wine and roses? Scream and cry until you hiccup yourself into child like cry convulsions? Run in circles until you collapse into something? Yeah, I suppose it might come, but perhaps you can bring it back with something other than a hangover, some bruises and a mean stuffy nose. And more importantly, when it DOES bother to speak, how will you know it's intuition and not some vile imposter?

This is of course, all in fun and by no means a tried and true guide...but here's some thoughts.

1. Test your intuition, to see if you're even in the business of tapping into it by your own nature. I scored a 24 on the nose, and I can tell you...I know my biggest lesson in this life is learning to trust it. I always land precisely where I intend, but it would be nice not to drive myself absolutely apeshit while on the way.

2. Intuition does not come by way of someone else's intepretation of where you are, what you're doing and how to get the next point on your journey. Intuition comes from self, so don't look to have it "found" by anyone other than you. Be quiet. Be still. Stop flailing. Stop thinking. Intuition speaks softly, you won't hear it if you don't shut out the other noise.

3. Trust how you feel. When you are following your own "sense" of things, you feel empowered. Energized. Possibly afraid or a little anxious...but ALIVE. You are in the flow and you are inspired to action. When you are avoiding your own sense of things, your progress slows, your perception of outcome becomes negative, you grinde to a standstill and you lose your rhythm. You feel stagnant. Lost. In short, if the notion drives you to take some action forward or preventative/supportive (in the warning sense) it's likely intuition. If it makes you want to curl on the couch nursing yourself with krispy kremes, that's not.

4. Important messages repeat. Our intuition will be persistent as we move through our lives. If there is something we need to know, something we need to remember or "get"...it will come to you, again and again and again...sometimes in a manner that is increasingly obvious until you get it. Don't worry if you miss the first hint.

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I don't trust you.

nobody@vox.com(RPM) — Mon, 03 Sep 2007 09:29:46 -0500

Recently one of our pottery classes was taught by the woman who owns the studio. As she led the class, she gave us a refresher course on some of the finer points regarding studio maintenance and etiquette. She stressed checking your workspace, making sure it was clean and prepared, checking equipment prior to each step.

She indicated to the collective that she does this always before she begins this part of the process because, she doesn’t trust the person who was using the materials previously. I laughed a bit louder then the rest of the class. It was safe to say I could readily identify.

I don’t trust you.

Shit, I work overtime and nearly give myself the spins just trying to trust myself. So I don’t have the energy or bandwidth to even consider what it would take to trust you.

I process. And re-process. I disassemble, oil all parts, reassemble and press the on button. And then...I process again.

One day, I expect my intuition is going to pack its bags, call a taxi and leave me a Dear John letter. Here it is, working all the time to give me some clarity, to shed some light on the darker corners of my spirit. I give it audience for a bit, even amuse myself with what it tells me...and then I turn to my ever active brain who lives to derail every intuitive thought with all it knows about history, failure and doom. Suddenly, intuition has been shoved to the short end of the couch and my brain is scrubbing any sense of “sense” off the floors, dusting the shelves and checking for fingerprints.

I don’t trust you.

Why? Because you don’t give me tangible proof. You utter words like faith and patience which may or may not be as real as unicorns and faeries. You don’t give me a map with clear directions. And while I love what you have to say, and it feels really good when I hear it...all it takes is one good crash to make you realize life should come with better reinforcements.

I was speaking with a friend this morning after a full day of all out obsession. Through each activity I tried to distract myself with, I mulled, I weighed, I re-examined the evidence, coming up with a broad array of equations that gave me an ever broader array of answers. I tossed all postulates aside, and tried to roll with absolute logic, clearly defined and historically proven logic. And I was completely miserable with the results. Balls of unintelligible...jumble. Then I realized something more than slightly amusing. I don’t trust logic much, either.

There is nothing logical about the human heart. The brain can be chemically explained, predicted and scientifically justified. But the heart remains that variable that embraces intuition like an old lover. No matter how beaten, abused and worn it may be, if it beats, it hopes. It dares to dream and it dares even more to believe in our deepest desires. How loudly it speaks, depends on just how long we’ve been beating it to death with all we think we know of the world. Whether loud or quiet, it dares to believe in us. It knows based on nothing, and could care less about your prior experience.

And it seems mine continues to sing out hopes and dreams, whether I trust it or not.

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Intuition, you had me at hello.

nobody@vox.com(RPM) — Sun, 12 Aug 2007 20:04:40 -0500

Damn if intuition isn’t a bit like deodorant. It doesn’t do much on the shelf. In order for it to work, you have to apply it.

I’ve always had strong first impressions of people. I either really like you, or I’m really uncertain or I want as little to do with you as humanly possible.

Unfortunately, you can’t always pick and choose the people you have interactions with. You will be forced, on occasion, to learn to peacefully mingle. Knowing this, I try to reign in my first impressions. In fact, the only thing better than strong intuitive sense, might be the ability to keep your damned insights on others to yourself. There are people who don’t/can't really want to know what you think of them...they’d much prefer/need to try and fool you with something else.

Some people come into your life and their light is felt immediately in an even exchange of many wonderful things. There are others who come into your life, and with them come storm clouds of silliness that you know almost immediately you need to avoid. Honor that. Smile. Make nice. Be polite, even. But make sure they keep their cumulonimbus tendencies to themselves. And above all, if you feel like someone’s not being sincere with you; it’s perfectly alright to tell them to sincerely kiss your entire ass. Vigorously. Life is simply too short to play a part in someone else’s mental playground. On any level: platonic, erotic or neurotic.

I had a long talk with my intuition recently. I baked it some cupcakes, took it out for a night on the town and whispered sweet nothings into its ear. Why? Because it has always been here. Intuition always answers when I call on it and never holds a grudge when I don’t pay attention or respect its greater wisdom. Its been patient. Its been persistent, and its never turned its back on me. And if that’s not a testament of love and devotion and greater endurance, I don’t know what is. God put it there, I'm the fool if I eternally take it for granted.

Intuition:

You know I’m not big on public displays of affection or theatrical, saccharine demonstrations of adoration (unless it’s a pet or small child). But I am telling you right now...I am ridiculously and helplessly in love with you. And I promise you, on this next journey? I’m all eyes and ears.

Love Always,

RPM

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"Confessions of a black new age hippie" or "the Gospel according to RPM"

nobody@vox.com(RPM) — Mon, 05 Mar 2007 13:39:44 -0600

God Rays

That's what Steve would call me on most days. If we dare talk about spirituality versus organized religion, or anything he feels is remotely new-age like, in nature - it becomes my moniker.

We debate voraciously about organized religion on most days. We both came from households where God was an integral part of the moral code we were taught. We both went to catholic grade schools. We both experienced a butt whoopin' from a nun...we share a common experience. Still, today we are diametrically opposed on the state of organized religion and it's merit in today's society.

I've heard it from him, and others. "You know where all the desirable, strong, capable types of men you'd be attracted to are? They're in church!"

Church is not EHarmony folks. What transpires in many churches among those pews is just another sad soap opera. I also do not subscribe to the notion that a person's spiritual connectedness links directly to how often they sit in a pew each month. I do not believe that my lack of spouse, "american made family" and house with white picket fence and 2.5 children is a direct result of my absence from the church show. Finally, I do NOT believe this means I am angry at God. Quite to the contrary, in fact. I adore God. It's people and their interpretation of that Being that make me ill.

My father taught me (going against the grain of that Catholic school education) that God was with me always and that I could speak to Him, whenever I wanted to, hear Him whenever I chose to listen. My mother ingrained in me an even more unusual approach. My mother told me that God used my intuition to speak to me. To send me quiet messages when I needed them, to protect me from harm, to show me the beginings of a path I was "destined" to follow. My father's love of Asian culture, and the exploration of non-traditional thought, passed on to me. And my life, for the most part was free of believing I needed to be judged and reviewed by my peers for "spiritual-worthiness." I believed I carried God with me, at all times. In my actions, in my beliefs and in every expression of love. And so...I try to manifest love in every element of my life. Because it makes me feel closer, to Him.

I started meditation this weekend. My reiki practitioner has been on me about it. My therapist at one point suggested it. My hatha yoga instructor mentioned it. My friend Lisane boasted of it's merits. All very viable "flash cards" from God advising me to use another tool of spiritual connectedness. I'm journaling about it, the day after each session, to record and monitor the effects on my personal well-being. Quieting the mind, so I can actually hear...everything else. Powerful but very difficult when we use our minds to ration out every encounter in our lives. Turning off the minds' computer can be a very frightening notion...even if it is only for 30 minutes at a time. So far...this feels like a very good thing. (disclaimer: these are my beliefs and practices and I am sharing them with you, I do not proclaim them to be "right and just"...simply sharing what brings me peace and has worked for me)

It's funny how these things seem to come in clusters. I had three individuals, none related to each other with regard to how they know me, suggest a book. Three different people, at three different points in my journey - all with the same thought. "It's time you read this." Ask and it is Given, by Esther and Jerry Hicks.

I read through some of the reviews on Amazon a year ago and weighed the pros and cons. I balked, said I'd think about it later. I thought it seemed to abstract and new age for me. Six months later, person number two suggested it, during one of my "twisting in the wind" moments. I went back to the authors website...grew a little intrigued but managed to avoid giving it any serious consideration. This morning, it was suggested again, third party, when I recounted how the past three nights of meditation fared. I dismissed and said I'd look into it later. As we parted ways, her to begin her work day and me to stop by Barnes and Noble to pick up another journal I wondered why it seemed that book continues to "pop" up in my interactions.

I got to the bookstore, visited the journals, selected my next installment, and wandered to the new fiction table. I just can't seem to leave that place without at least one new read. As I was stepping out of the way of a passing customer, I bumped into a display table, knocking a book to the floor. I grew crimson faced, (clumsy RPM strikes again) and quickly picked up the book with a little giggle, and apology. I apologize to books because they have feelings too. I picked it up, set it back on the table and beside it, sat this:

The book that bit me.

I had to ask myself at that point..."How many times does the Universe/God have to give you a hint?" I suppose the next step would have been for a copy to thump me in the head while I was taking out the trash, but that would have just been...eerie

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Flying with no ground.

nobody@vox.com(RPM) — Wed, 13 Dec 2006 10:26:10 -0600

Closer

"Closer to my dreams
I’m goin’ higher and higher
I ain’t gonna sleep
Some times you just have to let it go (Let it go, let it go)
Leaving all my fears to burn down
Push them away so I can move on"
- Goapele

First time I heard this song, I was driving in my truck, a snowy winter day in Suburban Philadelphia, on my way to work. I was about a month away from my surgery date, and just a mess of different emotions. I can see it...feel it as if it was just an hour ago. The surgery was going to change my life. Some people give birth to 8 lb 7 oz infants. I was preparing to give birth to a fibroid tumor of the same size. I had a basketball in my abdomen. And I had no choice but to deliver it. The surgery meant so many things to me. It meant a major procedure, the first time alien metal objects would enter my body. It meant discovering if I would be left intact enough to bear a child, as opposed to a non-cancerous growth of the same size. It meant reevaluating my future with him. Could I bear his child? Would he ever want me to? Would my time run out before he decides?

I look back on that day and the moment this track began to play, because it was that eerie to me. As soon as I heard that 4th line of that verse, my eyes filled and spilled over liquid anxiety. Down my cheeks, leaving dark chocolate drops on my heavy winter coat. It was hopeful, but mournful, innocent but eerily wise. It reminded me that the hardest thing I would ever have to do, would be the very thing I needed to do. For my own survival, and happiness. I would have to let go.

Outside my window...

I am a bleeding orange fire in a liquid sky.

I've always struggled with that. Acquiesing to the universe, and letting my God steer me with the faith that I have all I need to weather each storm. Unwilling to have a course move in any direction but the one I'm most comfortable with. I was trapped in an impudent belief that my journey has to follow a very specific course that I constructed. So why was nothing happening as I willed it? Why was my master plan so riddled with holes?

I can't make sense of ways bigger than me. Trying to, is missing the greater point. It's as bizarre as holding on to something you claim to want released. I am melancholy, sad and experiencing the most tremendous peace of my life, today. And I couldn't make sense of it if you begged me to. I have no net. I have no way of knowing what's around the next bend...but I'm not worried about, either. At least not today.

Yesterday, I required a nap. As I lay there, somewhere between asleep and awake a thought came to me, and I said it aloud.

"If I had to go back, and repeat all of these steps again - the pain, the loss, the sadness as well as the joy of knowing him, learning him and loving him and the entire evolution...I would do it. Without hesitation."

Those same tears came. The same ones that spilled so readily that day in the truck, years ago. My intuition knew then, what it knows now. And on those precious days when I let it speak to me, I experience the essence of truth and acceptance.

Sometimes you just have to let it go....and accept.

Your experiences. Your history. The pain. The joy. The heartache. The rise. The fall. To do so is to acknowledge that every little event has its purpose. There are no mistakes. There are only life markers...and what you choose to make of them.

He called again this morning, but I knew he would. You know by now that that's the way we've always worked. When I opened my eyes hours earlier, my heart whispered to him a quiet, "I miss you, Big Cat." I didn't kick my own ass over it, I just acknowledged the sensation. No fear. No shame. But with a great awareness that none of that, of this...changes what is. And the feelings, none of them, will kill me. I answered the phone, with no anxiety, I just said hello. As I sipped my morning coffee, we shared a morning laugh and few minutes of conversation. I wished him a good day, and hung up. And I missed him when it was over. But no feeling, bad or good was designed to last forever.

It is, what it is. I smiled. I'm not trapped by my feelings anymore. I can love him, always. And I will. But there is still a journey that I must take. And the same goes for him. I can't blindly rest my hopes on those paths crossing. My heart is open. And so are my eyes.

I push away fear. And I trust that there is no reason to look down. I'm exceedingly grateful for that.

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Listen to your mind, trust your gut.

nobody@vox.com(RPM) — Sun, 12 Nov 2006 12:18:16 -0600

If you follow NFL Fantasy football, you know the commercial that offers this little snippet of advice offered in the title of this post.

As I prepare to enjoy a rare Sunday where I can watch my Philly Eagles, I happened across this commercial and it brought such a smile to my face. I whispered a thanks above, because God really does find THE most clever ways to pass along a message. I'm not going into any extraneous details, because as I mentioned over the weekend - it's time to adjust my "open for ransack" approach. It might take me a while, so bear with me. You, the 0.000000023% of the world that finds my panderings at all amusing enough to review.

So intuition was already on my mind, and I stop by Jason's vox. Lately he's been kicking up all sorts of stuff that makes me go, "hmm." Jason's post reminded me, there is value in exploring the mechanics (what an oxymoronic thought) of intuition. I've been thinking a lot about that lately. What is intuition, how can you trust it when it doesn't provide a clear visual logic that you can quickly package up to sell others on your belief? Because that's really what it's about isn't it? Trying to get others to go along with the stance you've voiced, for that added bit for assurance? As if having people's endorsement makes the decision, belief or opinion more...valid?

Hardest part about intuition is being wise enough to sit with it, without coloring it with little details to make it more palatable to others (and quietly to your skeptical/logical mind). Intuition may not always be right, but it's always right for where you are. What others think of it, really isn't relevant. Cognitively speaking, when intuition speaks...whether or not it's saying something directly applicable to the matter at hand is NOT as important as the fact that your intuition is triggering something. The temptation when you're aware of it, is to immediately twist what it tells you, into something you can use to MAKE your already established decision appear "~~more~~ correct." Intuition itself is like a really wet football. Squeeze it too hard, and it'll pop right out of your arms (please Brookie, hold tight). Make no effort to hold onto it, and the gift will slip slide away.

Intuition is often misinterpreted. Viewed as being in direct opposition to logic as higher level, spiritual voice, I would contend that intuition is quite logical AND spiritual. Jason's example seems to hint at its strong logical tendencies. Intuition is logic, it's just calling from a place well beyond what our minds log as "pertinent" information. The fact that intuition is present at all is in fact spiritual in my opinion. God's way of offering us a "knowing" that we can't directly explain. Just be sure you really "know" what it's truly trying to say. The spiritual element of intution could be reminding you of something achingly familiar. Familiar can be trying to say, "this is good, we did this before and experienced amazing results!" or, "this is bad, last time we tried something like this we wound up with six stiches and a warrant for our arrest."

Intuition might just be that grandma that remembers every tiny detail about your existence...but can't seem to call you by the right name. She might not call you out - but you know she knows everything about you. Even the stuff you pretend was removed long ago.

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