3 posts tagged “listening”
I love mornings when I read something in my inbox and have an a-ha moment when reading something. I firmly believe there's a message in each day if you're open to it. I know myself, and some others, can sometimes be in a rush to sweep in when someone expresses a hurt, an issue or a perceived need. I personally get frustrated when what I want is to vent, or release a feeling and before I can even finish releasing the feelings from my body, someone is giving me: a) an action plan I didn't request, b) advice I didn't solicit or c) correction I'm not even sure I need.
For me at least...when I start to express a feeling, more than anything I am desperately trying to release something I've been sitting on. I probably already know the solution (and it may not necessarily be the one you're providing). I know what my remedy is, or I least know the proper channels to finding it. All of us, many of us...when we talk...we don't want to be advised, or fixed. We just want to be heard.
I say that and chuckle, because just as I say that...I can think of many situations and relationships in my life where I did exactly the opposite.
From today's DailyOm:
"For a simple start, try sitting with a friend and asking him to tell you about his life at this moment. For 10 minutes or more, try to listen without responding verbally, offering suggestions, or brainstorming solutions. Instead, breathe into your heart and your belly, listening and feeling instead of thinking. When you do this, you may find that it’s much more difficult to offer advice and much easier to identify with the feelings your friend is sharing. You may also find that your friend opens up more, goes deeper, and feels he has really been heard. If you also feel great warmth and compassion, almost as if you are seeing your friend for the first time, then you will know that you have begun to tap the power of listening with your heart." - Inner Hierarchy: Listening With Your Heart. DailyOm, January 11th.
I know for me, the next time I feel myself muting someone by hastily going in to "fix" what's broken...I'm going to remember this. Perhaps I'll find a way to say this to others when I feel it being done (innocently) to me. Hope you can find a use for it too, if you need it.
Happy Friday my friends!
I should change this from Blissfully Naked to Diary of any Pending Doom. Nice ring to it, eh?
As positive and upbeat as I tend to be regarding others and their lives, I am continually appalled/mildly amused and sort of troubled by my tendency to immediately think great tragedy is about to befall me. I present to you an example of the way I react to simple everyday events:
I wonder if part of this is that "oldest child" syndrome. You know...your parents throw all the worry and obsession into you because you're the firstborn, so you develop this over hyped sense of pending disaster based on your parents reacting strongly to every single stimulus that enters your life. Problem with this great tendency towards thinking the absolute worst...is that I react to things that may actually be relatively small with great force. Kinda like using a jackhammer to kill a gnat.
This reminds me of my Dad. Totally and fully. His approach to healing during my youth was..."something hurts on your hand? Chop off that limb, cauterize the wound and get ta HEALING!" We both laugh about this now of course and realize it's utterly ridiculous...but how do you stop going all Rambo on situations in your life?
I mentioned to a friend the other day that I spend great amounts of time trying to figure out how to best approach a conversation I sense coming in the future. I was concerned about the level of outrage I might bring to it. I know I've been a jackhammer in the past, when I might have learned and benefited more by just...not reacting to what I've heard or seen. By letting listening, do the driving. My friends response...
"You have your solution. You said it yourself. Don't react. Just let the conversation unfold. Try listening instead of forging in to immediately fix what you think might be broken. Perhaps nothing is broken at all."
The simplest notion. Just...don't react. Observe.
Can you imagine the type of energy I can preserve with this alien notion? Observation? It seems...so...passive. LMAO. Anyway...that's a new suit I'm trying on these days. It's been in the closet for years. Perhaps it will fit now.
I'm a little tea pot, black and hot.
Fires's beneath me, it won't stop.
When I get all pissed off I won't scream
Just pop the lid a bit and watch me steam.
My friend Wes pointed it out to me during our daily coffee introspection. I was bristling, agitated. And pretending, not to be. But I let it out in little ways. Getting greatly annoyed at minor inconveniences, being short with people without provocation, scowling in lieu of a smile. None of it directed at him, but he watched me deliver it icily to people and objects around me.
Quietly, he goes..."______. What's going on?"
And I did what I always do. Smile. Big and wide. Before I could answer...I remembered who I was talking to. I am required by universal law to be authentic with him, at all times. And this is something I struggle with because I've learned rather recently that I do not enjoy letting people...in. My childhood experiences with it have been disastrous at best, and unlike many people - I just couldn't seem to shake it loose.
I opened my mouth to politely shoo away any concern. But the words wouldn't come. So, I shut my mouth and sighed instead. I nodded with embarrassment and averted my eyes.
"Can I say something?" He searched for clearance. Upon confirmation, he continued. "Let's review all the things that happened this summer, shall we? We had the love of your life, call you up to help him through a break up with the woman you found out he was seeing after you crossed time zones to be nearer to him. You're trying to sort out what you feel for him, while he sends you all sort of signals your afraid to process. You decided to take a new job to get away from a professionally abusive situation. You just met your new boss and began your first REAL work with him, last week. You're working to rebuild yourself financially. You spent a month with your sister, loving her up. You spent a weekend with your father, trying to work through old wounds and you found some new ones in the process. You've been in therapy and you're just now beginning to deal with some deeper, uglier, nitty gritty issues within your own family that is frightening, painful and infuriating. And in the midst of all of that, you're trying to continue to be the rock for all the people in the world that you love, and that love you. Can you take a breath...for a minute, and acknowledge that you're doing a lot of work right now? Most of which is out of most people's plain view?"
My eyes burned. I couldn't find my breath. My face flushed beet red.
"Hey...can you do something for me?"
I nodded, still unable to speak. Something about hearing someone tick off all the things back to me, suddenly made me feel more validated then any compliment ever could.
"Can you just acknowledge that you have a lot of anxiety right now? Can you acknowledge that you've been doing some incredible work in healing some old wounds, and clearing up your spiritual house and that it's the hardest work any of us will ever do? Can you acknowledge that you get tired and scared and sometimes you just need time to sort yourself out. Can you acknowledge that you're biggest responsibility is to the well-being and safety of you? Can you hear that you do not need to exhaust yourself in every facet of your life to be valuable and worthy of love? Can you acknowledge...that you're tired right now, and most importantly, that it's ok?"
So many times, our souls cry out. They speak beyond a simple exchange of words. There are three types of listeners in this world. First, the ones who listen because they feel its an obligatory thing they must do for all the times they know you have listened to them. Second, the ones who listen for a few seconds and then begin processing through the next thing they want to get off their chest. Third, the ones who listen for all that you don't say beyond words. They listen to your silence, your expressions and your behavior. They study you, so they really get what's going on, even if you haven't spoken the words from your lips. These are the listeners who bring you to your knees when you least expect it. Because frankly, we're all accustomed to listeners number One and Two. We're quite accepting, as a society, of the fact that 98% of the people we're talking to do not actually "hear" a thing we're saying on a deeper level. So we all just keep on talking. To exhaustion, until finally, someone truly, hears us. And then we wonder why we're always so pissed off, about something.
I went through a box of tissues. I was relieved, sad, weary but also happy and content if that makes any sense. Why? Because I do know how far I've come. I do see all the amazing work I've done behind what's visible to the naked eye. And I know I've got what I need to continue to forge ahead. I do see the good things on the horizon. I feel them, somewhere resonating deep within me, even when my thoughts try to tell me they aren't there. I've been swimming through some murky waters, but more and and more...my head breaks the surface.
He just let me sit there, and cry. And when it was done, we both laughed as we always do, when we do significant work together. I could have said, "whew, I feel so much better just having heard someone speak my truth, even when I'm not." I could have thanked him for not allowing the pink elephant to remain in the room. I could have said so many things in that moment. But those were things he already knew from my reaction.
So instead, I simply said, Thank you for listening."
