16 posts tagged “nanowrimo”

Okay I have about 30 minutes til a client dinner and schmoozing before a 7am start on the final day of tradeshowing in San Antonio. And here I am sitting on the floor of my hotel room, watching the horse drawn carriages, and sobbing because the horses look like slaves, dragging these carriages, heads lowered, lumbering along with cars whizzing by them. I sit here thinking, this is a horrid way for such beautiful creatures to exist. I've exhausted my stupid kleenex box of hotel tissues, and I'm about to graduate to walking about with a roll of toilet tissue.

Do not want.

Tonight, I enter in my first bits of Nano. To those who are playing, I say, cheers and good luck.

I sob for us all.

Each day is a day of significance. You know you're aware of it, when every good thing that happens makes you beam and every setback is regarded not as catastrophe, but just something that needed to happen for whatever reason to be discovered or not.

Yesterday was a good day. I posted some pieces on Etsy, and experienced the child-like glee of completing two sales. They were sales to friends, but that did nothing to dampen my excitement or greater sense of accomplishment. I made a commitment to myself to keep at it, and enjoy the experience for whatever it is going to bring me.

We're nearing Nanowrimo time, and I'm trying to ramp up for the 50,000 word odyssey by developing my main characters and plot. I'm going to try something a little different this time. We'll see where the wind takes me.

This morning, I met a lizard on my patio screen. We shall call him Leonard. Leonard scared the bejeezus out of me initially, but take a closer look at him. He's quite a cutie:

Because I am a little odd, I looked up lizards in my little book of animal totems. Animal totems follow Indian spiritual beliefs that when an animal makes an unusual appearance in your life, it comes bearing a message. Remember my butterflies? Trust me when I tell you I found great significance in that.

So what does the Lizard symbolize?

* the importance of listening to your own perception and intuition above anyone else's
* the significance or hidden importance of recent dreams
* the importance of detachment in order to achieve broader desires your have expressed

Check, Check and Check.

Yesterday I experienced a recurring dream that I do not share, but log each time it arrives. This time the dream was a bit different. But very linked to a common theme. I spoke to the only person who knows about it, and we considered it's significance. Ironic that detachment would come up as well, because for me, that's been a greater challenge in my life. Learning to wish, want and desire without squeezing those wishes, wants and desires to within an inch of their fragile, formative existences. And then finally, perception and intuition. Boy oh boy...could I take you on a trip...

But this is a time for silent knowing for me. Trusting what I know, even if I cannot provide you with proof that might suit your tastes. Being still in these moments and enjoying them for what they are.

Gobbling up rocks at the campsite.

Have a great day, Voxiverse.

Hi there. On the tradeshow road, this week San Antonio, next week DC, the week after that back in San Antonio and then the folllowing week in Vegas.

If I write strange things during this time, or disappear for days at a time...don't be alarmed. Random thoughts...

1. San Antonio might have the worst mexican food I've ever had. Wondering how that can possibly be. I also feel the Riverwalk is wildly, wildly overrated. There, I said it. Nothing against the town, really. Just get me the frack out of here.
2. I miss my sister. So badly I may have to do a drive by visit to Los Angeles to squeeze her, sit on a beach and look at the side of her face.
3. I also missed Adult Swim. I watched it last night until I feel asleep in my frigid hotel room. Not sure if it was my intoxication or just having been away from it for so long that made me so nostalgic. Each time I woke from my stupor sleep I found myself laughing out loud.
   
4. For those of you who have nudged me to do the etsy thing...it commences this weekend, stay tuned.
5. I'm going to write a short story called The Expo. I may save it for NaNoWriMo next month. Details on that later.
6. I love Stewie. I mean, I really do.

The outrages I have suffered today will not soon be forgotten!

I miss this space. Be back just as soon as I can.

Past two years have been life altering. For each bad, there has been hidden good, for each good there's been even better. Another year gone, a pivotal year most assuredly to come. I'm a big believer in all things coming together on their own time, and with purpose that is rarely revealed during the transition.

As 2006 withers to it's end, I take a moment to appreciate what went well.

1. Career Shift. When 2006 started, I was in professional hell. Working for a company I didn't believe in, a boss I had no respect for and believing that I could not be successful unless I worked 6 days a week, at least 12 hours a day. By the end of March I'd made the commitment to really reflect on what I wanted next in my career and marry my professional wants with my personal needs. By May 1st, I had it. I wanted a virtual position that would allow me to home office, enjoy complete professional autonomy, reinvest myself completely in marketing, build my team and maintain a strong quality of life. I wanted a boss I could interact with as a peer. I wanted the ability to pursue personal goals. I wanted to feel like I was shaping the future of an organization. I have everything I asked for - and I wake every morning loving what I do. For that I am extremely thankful.

2. Financial Management. I started this year not knowing who I owed and why. I spent this year, pulling my credit reports, sitting down with financial management software and a goal to clear up stuff gathering dust in my financial history. At the close of this year I find myself 80% clear, precisely where I wanted to be and ready to do some serious, serious savings and investing for the tomorrows. I have a budget, I follow it and plan to gt even strong next year.

3. Change in residence, but closer to home. I had to move at the very early start of the year because of my Pit/AmStaff Terrier Mecca.  I am a Cancer and therefore not terribly fond of change...but I went along anyway because I wasn't offered the luxury of choice (unless you consider giving up your dog, which I certainly do not). So, I found a place, and happened across some wonderful neighbors (the other ones). I first found them to be a bit intrusive. But they have taught me the joys of lightening up, never taking myself too seriously and enjoying the simplest of pleasures. Without this move, I would not have met them...and Mecca would have a huge friendly yard completely to herself. I must admit, I didn't want to...but Mecca and I are much happier here.

4. Therap-ease. I had squirmed away from it for some time. But near the

close of 2005 I knew my issues, my heartaches and depression were far deeper than the culprits I blamed for them. I had to dig deeper, had no idea how to begin. Simple concepts like boundaries, acceptance, clarity...hell even truth, were matters of fiction for me. Something other people were allowed to have. Never me. It was a scary thing...taking the lid off that pot, allowing it to bubble over, to see what I actually simmered on. But its changed me, broadened me, empowered me in ways I am still learning to count. I feel a strength I ignored, for far too long. That journey continues and the road broadens from here.

5. Vox. I joined in August, and as blogging and blog communities go - I've never encountered such a warm, intellectual, creative, comedic and memorable group in my days. I've all but formerly retired my spot on blogger, to make more room in my blogging life for the interactions and inspirations I gather as we all tumble through our days together. I thank Vox and all of you, for making each day interactively memorable. Long live the innurnet!!!

6. NaNoWriMo. I took my first stab at this in 2006. I thought I would finish with a 50K novel. I found out some crucial things. 1) 50K is but a halfway point unless you're writing something that doesn't require much depth. 2)  didn't want to write a short story. I wanted to write the story. That's been working it's way up through my spirit for three years. NaNoWriMo created the door...but it's been up to me to open it. That experience has reminded me that writing, is as critical a part of my life, as anything else I've made a priority. It's up to me to carry that into 2007 and make it count.

 7. Amy's Kitchen. What? Did you think this entire thing was going to be significant? Come now. You know me better than that. Such a wonderful collection of foods. I hardly know where to begin my cheering (or drooling). Need a quick Indian dish fix, but don't have time to prepare? The frozen dinners are amazing. I dare not say I am the organic food pro, but Amy makes me believe I am. Brings new meaning to wholesome goodness. Enjoy at a Whole Foods market near you.

I was writing an email this morning, that turned into a random pander about some of the familial stuff turning in my head. I realized about three paragraphs in...I was writing the very answer to a question that's been plaguing me since I crossed that 50,000th word finish line for NaNoWriMo.

I have written very little since accomplishing that feat. That email this morning explained why.

I am afraid of peeling back the layers and truly writing the elements of the story most eager to be written. The layers behind a character that is so highly autbiographical, that I am terrified of letting anyone else see her.

I've tried to write this story and leapfrog the critical information the reader needs to know. I'm skimming the surface, and trying to find ways of telling the story, without telling the story. That worked for 50,000 words...but it won't suffice in completing this work. Completing this work means stripping bare some other stories that aren't mine, but belong to me as ancestal garb. They are the threads in the fabric of a greater tale - and the story cannot move any further unless I am willing to weave them in. Give them a voice. Allow them to be as free as I say I want to be.

I re-read that email to my Yang. I read it again, and again. Dammit if he hasn't always been remotely involved in the unlayering of me. How bittersweet that is, and how I wish Yin and Yang didn't have to just be a chapter in a book.

But that's neither here nor there.

There is much more writing to do. The kind that inevitably makes my stomach ache, the memories churn and the melancholy smile of wisdom emerge.

That's the writing I've been running from.

And before I leave ya for the day...song of the week, living in my head, "How to Save a Life" by The Fray. Haunting piano, and lyrics that finally put a deeper spin on the same old sad love song. Good I love lyrics with meat.

"As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life..."

In the words of Rick James by way of Dave Chappelle, "It's Celebration."

I cleared the 50K mark for NaNoWriMo. I suspect any moment, someone will arrive on my doorstep and toss some confetti in my face.

*RPM swings open front door and waits*
*wind blows her back inside the house*
*RPM glances furtively out the front window instead*

Ok, well..while I'm waiting for the trumpets to sound and the streamers and balloons, back to my post.

I wake every day with a song in my head. It could be something I listened to the night before that carried over, it could also be a subconscious hint to my present state of mind. Yesterdy it was Champagne Supernova. Because someday, you will find me, caught beneath a landslide. It happens. Especially with me. This morning it was a song that reminded of who I am, in these very moments. Not necessarily jubilant, but not particularly sad either. If there's anything like a cheerful melancholy, I think it would best fit.

Clarity, is a mother. But applying it to your daily life provides very consistent results. Every day a lesson. Every day a gift. Every day in the midst of the darkest pain, there is always a joy. I don't have many wants, when I really think about it. I want peace. I want happiness. I want to find contentment in the simplest of pleasures. I want to enjoy what I have, instead of tormenting myself with what I do not.

And all I wanted was the simple things
A simple kind of life
And all I needed was a simple man
So I could be a wife

We have choices. And we make them. And then we want someone else to deal with the repercussions, or better - not have to deal with them at all.  We rarely rejoice in the fact that  we have the gift of choice, to begin with.

I may not have everything in life I wanted. But looking around, who ever does? Most of us are ensnared in the belief that we aren't ok just the way we are right now. That our lives are incomplete, because of something that's not there. Do I still want my simple kind of life, that's never as simple as I want to make it? Yes. I do. Am I willing to accept that my life in this moment is absolutely complete in its incompleteness?

Yes. I think, I am.

I've got dreams, but none of them include fame, notoriety or any banners of perceived success. I dream of the ability to dream, the know the beauty of a child's laughter (doesn't matter if that child is mine), I dream of people in my life who make me smile, just because their love is pure. I dream of being able to wake each day and work with no resentment, I dream of listening to songs that are like candy for my ears, I dream of happiness by my own definition. I dream of a simple life. The life I have, today.

Gettin' Random.
I think I found a source of positive energy, a new one that I welcome. I stumbled across a cultural center that I'm looking forward to dedicating some mentor/volunteer time to. In fact, I'm starting to find some great ways to fill up my calendar. I've got Barack Obama fever (but I had it when he was running for Senate, and I got the t-shirt to prove it). Support for him in Texas has surprised me, and I like for nothing else, the excitement he brings to the 2008 Presidential brouhaha. NaNo has
sharpened my focus towards a quiet goal to write with purpose again.

I've got some friends coming back to town in March. Buying my tickets, and looking forward to being a lot more involved then I was last year. Just humming around the edges of their experience last year reminded me that I do have a circle of people who are a lot like me, in some of the most unusual ways. And, if you're up to it, let's hit Magnolia Cafe again and maybe make it a broader affair - cuz everyone should have a taste of gingerbread pancakes, right George?

It's Sunday night. Earlier this weekend, whilst apparently doing some crack, I said the following:

On a side note...NaNoWriMo'ing continues this weekend. A little over 12,000 words to meet the 50K goal...but that's just the beginning of this work for me.  50K will be done this weekend. *Yes, I said it* I'm adding an additional challenge to myself, to see if I can clear 100K - because there is still so much in the story left to tell. Then will come the revision and editing. The cleaning up. I want to take a moment to extend sincere appreciation to my writing group buddies and everyone who has stopped by and offered words of inspiration (my WG even tried to give me "passes" on our weekly writing assignments to stay focused).

This is why they tell you crack kills. Because when you take it, you create lofty expectations and try to leap building in a single bound.i had one blitz writing sesssion weekend. This was not a follow. It dawned on me this evening when my head hit the keyboard, and a line in my novel read:

k'vcdfi'igptghjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj

...that I realized perhaps I was pushing myself to meet my self-inflicted deadline. No more writing tonight. I'm 5,700 + words away from 50K. There's no shame in that. I might still be "cracked" enough to think I can nail 100K...but let's not hold me to that.

(ps...I don't do crack. That was for comedic value only)

As the closest man to me in life once said, "Just because you've come to the amusement park doesn't mean you get a ticket to ride the rides."  I used to think that was so cold. I now understand.

I've always been an all or nothing kinda girl. I pour a lot into every experience. A LOT. Of energy. Of time. Of consideration. Of support. Of patience. Of thought. Of tenderness. Of compassion. Of me. Oft times, I find myself terribly disappointed with that results of those efforts. I give too much, and seem to expect much more of people then what they are prepared to give. No judgement comes with that. We all have to live in a manner that makes sense to us. I think the only way to potentially alter that, is to temper the amount of me that I give.

I seem to set myself up in lopsided, manipulative, deceptive and false exchanges that drain out my good energy and replace it with cotton candy. Sweet, sugary but woefully devoid of substance. But that ain't their problem. That's mine. I can't control what people try and offer me. I can only control how much good energy I'm willing to offer in exchange for it...and...how much candy I let people offer me before I smile politely and say, "thanks, but no thanks. I'm full."

Games are eternally afoot. Needs disguised as general conversation, my intuition will whisper things to me that I don't want to believe. Plots twisted, revised and creatively assembled to create one reality when there is quite another underway. It can't be the same old thing. It can't be more cotton candy. It can't be more fluff. It can't be that again? My intuition whispers, "Just watch. This, then this, this will unfold. You know it. You knew it. Now watch." Good news is, at least I'm acutely aware. And there's never any damage, just a weary shake of the head and shrug.

I smile that rueful smile that makes me take one more step back. Raise the shields. I watch. The things I see, always come to pass. My silence seems to indicate to others that I'm gullible enough to believe what I'm told. They don't know any better. Yet I still grapple with the annoyance that people believe they've actually sold me on something.

I don't always speak. But I always know. This year's lesson? Clear the cotton candy, speak only truth or be silent. To others I charge, offer only authenticity, or know that I won't be bothered because I have plenty of my own cotton candy to manage, I don't want yours. This amusement park is under reconstruction. Only serious, serious, serious riders will be offered a ticket. They are no longer for sale.

Time to really embrace the notion I offered to someone else earlier this week. The universe doesn't give us anything that we haven't inherently asked for. Don't know what it means to others, but I know what it means to me.

On a side note...NaNoWriMo'ing continues this weekend. A little over 12,000 words to meet the 50K goal...but that's just the beginning of this work for me.  50K will be done this weekend. *Yes, I said it* I'm adding an additional challenge to myself, to see if I can clear 100K - because there is still so much in the story left to tell. Then will come the revision and editing. The cleaning up. I want to take a moment to extend sincere appreciation to my writing group buddies and everyone who has stopped by and offered words of inspiration (my WG even tried to give me "passes" on our weekly writing assignments to stay focused).

So...I'm in this cave...

A big, dark ominous cave. For years, I used my eyes to work my way through the cave, right? Because it's logical. It makes sense. Problem is, my eyes were programmed to only see certain things. I've just used them to see, because that's what I was given. Some tainted, distorted eyes that tell me that fire-breathing dragon around the corner, is actually a big friendly dog. I've run into him repeatedly, he singes me with his fiery breath, and I scamper off all burned. But I keep trusting my eyes, because they keep telling me, it's alright. The next time it will be different. The next will be different. I promise. I'm your eyes. I see all. I start suspecting after a bunch of burns, that my eyes may not know what the hell they're doing. But what do I trust, if not my eyes?

Then I hear this little voice going..."down here...me. Why don't you let me try?" My reaction is, "why in the hell would I listen to you? I can't even SEE you. And you have no damned eyes. If these eyes are getting me burned and singed and scarred...you think I'm going to let you handle this? What experience do YOU have?" So that voice quiets down, and I go back to using the eyes, which are starting to piss me off...but at least I can "see" what they're seeing, even if it isn't always making sense. I turn some more corners, bump into the dragon a few more times, and collect some more burns. I'm starting to think, "alright, I guess this is just how it has to be. I gotta keep on bumping into fucking dragons...because sooner or later, I'm gonna see it's this big friendly dog...or I'm going to finally just get eaten and maybe that's the way it's supposed to be for me. I gotta use these eyes, they're all I got."

Then that voice comes in again, "No, you can try me. Why don't you just let me try to get us out?" I look down at the burns...and I start thinking...what's the worst that can happen? My eyes get pissed off like..."Are you an idiot? You gonna trust something with no eyes to tell you which way to go? At least I can tell you you're about to get burned. You listen to that damned voice, and you are liable to walk right off a damned cliff." I answer back, "And so what would the difference be? Cuz you're not getting me outta here any better than it is."

Eyes have no answer for that other than..."I just know what I see. And I can see. I can give you visual proof." But I'm tired. I'm achin'. I'm lost. And the eyes keep tellin me the burn is better than anything else. But maybe...they don't know. They're warped. They're nearsighted, far sighted, myopic, riddled with astigmatism, covered with mud and grime and soot from the damned dragons. I'm tired.

So I go with the voice this time. It tells me to close my eyes. Which...scares me, because even though they're muddied and sooty and distorted, I can still make some things out. I hesitate. But then I remember how tired I am. So I try it. I close my eyes. It tells me to feel with my hands instead. Feel the walls. It tells me as I'm stepping, to feel the contours of the walls. As I'm getting near the dragon, those rocks will get sharper and sharper. They'll prick my fingers. Slice into my skin, eventually cut deep into me, if I keep on moving in that direction. The voice tells me the dragons, are the dead ends. That they're always been the dead ends, but the eyes were taught by all the eyes before it to believe that one dragon is a dog, and that dog knows the way out. That's the biggest lie ever told. The rocks are a warning, but no one told the eyes that, because they can't feel - they only see.

So I keep feeling along the walls, backing away from the stones that feel rough. I get to a pathway, where the rocks start to smooth out just a bit. My fingers ease over them with little, waiting for the sharp edges...but so far, I feel none. It's almost boring, how consistently smooth the rocks are. I can hardly believe it. And for a little ways, my eyes keep telling me, "you are about to walk right on off the edge of the cliff dumbass. Right to your death. If you'd open your eyes, you'd see it." But I decide, those burns aren't hurting like they used to...so I'm gonna push on a little bit more. I keep on walking. I keep on walking, I keep on walking. Sometimes, scared to death, because each step, is a different one...one that I can't see, and I have no experience with. But I keep stepping. The walls are nearly smooth as glass now, I'm sliding my hands along them..sliding, and I feel warmth on my face. But it doesn't smell like charred flesh. It dosn't make me want to cough. And I don't hear any heavy breathing. I hear nothing. Behind my eyelids, I "see" lightness. My eyes scream at me. "Here's the cliff! I told you. Didn't I tell you...you are now going to DIE. DIE. DIE. You are about to walk right off." But I don't open them. Because now...I've crossed the point of no return. And I'd rather plummet to my death and end it all rather than get burned one more fucking time by that evil assed dragon. So I step, sliding my hands across that polished stone.

The warmth eventually gets so bright, I stop in my tracks. That voice tells me to open my eyes. I walked a long way. I'm tired. But I'm alright. I open my eyes. And you know where I'm at, yall?

I'm outside.

It's been a busy week, but I persist.

I suspect this weekend, I will break 45. And I'm also realizing this work is gonna clear 50K and only be halfway to it's conclusion.

Squidward inspects our progress...