Blissfully Naked.

The snark...it wants out.

nobody@vox.com(RPM) — Thu, 08 May 2008 14:00:56 -0500

Nine things I am dying to say out loud.

1. Dear "I'm So Perfect, Why Don't You People Get It": If the entire world is such an inconvenience to your sensitivities, why not find your own planet full of perfect people and spare us the nasty remarks about perfectly normal and otherwise, harmless pursuits? Your slip is showing. Pull it up and shut it up. Love you, Bye!

2. Michigan and Florida, especially Debbie Dingell: Listen. No one ROBBED you of your voices. No one denied you your voting rights. You knew the rules regarding primaries and you snubbed them. You made the decision to do what you wanted, while understanding you were in violation of DNC rules for primary dates. Please shut up with this whining about, "WE HAVE A RIGHT TO BE COUNTED!" You also have the right to suffer the consequences of knowingly bucking the rules. No one's ignoring you. No one's denying your rights. Furthermore it's rather narcissistic (not to mention childish) of you to presume the process should be revamped and done over IN THE MIDST, to accommodate your inability to forecast how much of a difference your counted votes might make. And Debbie? Honestly. Don't tempt me to play with your name. I've shown GREAT restraint thus far.

3. Boundary Crossing Former Neighbors with Delusions of Granduer: I appreciate, and frankly, blush at how much you enjoy my company and your desire to make sure we "keep in touch." But your expectations are not a requirement. Therefore, if I fail to call you in a week, or fail to "check in on you to see how you are," I'm going to need you to get over yourself. Quickly. I'm hermetic in nature. Although you'd like to remedy this by showing me how to exist as you do, I caution you that I'm quite comfortable with existing as I am. Lets adjust accordingly, lest you complain yourself into an unpleasant conversation.

4. Captain Cut-off: I swear to the Universe and all the sweet spirits contained within it...if you interrupt me in the middle of a sentence or try to out talk me in your haste to raise a counter point one more time I will shake you vigorously and without mercy. It's disruptive and offering the excuse, "I don't get angry when people do it to me" is NOT acceptable.

5. Whatever rule of gravity that says the buttered/jellied side of bread MUST fall lubricated side down is just cruel and unusual.

6. Person That Likes To Make Faces At Other People's Food: It's not in your mouth, okay? Look at your own food and grow up.

7. Dear "I Must Touch You When I Talk": No. You mustn't. Fondly, RPM

8. Dear Mystery Dialer That Calls Bi-Monthly Asking For ______. Let's stop doing this dance, shall we? Tell me what you're really up to and perhaps I'll save all parties a tremendous amount of time. For the life of me, I can't imagine I've ever really intimidated anyone that much. I'm just little old me.

9. Cedric Benson: I'm not even sorry that I don't feel sorry for you. Here's some tips for success in the real world. 1) When you buy a big ass boat, make sure your simple ass actually knows how to motor it. 2) Don't think that because you're a local sports personality that you are exempt from a little racial profilin', 3) Don't ever forget that Texas is still Texas and that "Don't Mess" bit goes a little bit deeper than just littering especially when it comes to executin' a lil law enforcement, 4) Stop countin' all those chickens before they hatch and 5) Stop trying to live like you're in a Jay-Z video. It's tired and lame and well...*thinks* you are just a kid. Perhaps you need to get the bullshit out of your system. Hope you still have a job and some kinda income when that occurs.

WHEW!

Much better.

Cheers,

RPM

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How much "I" makes TMI?

nobody@vox.com(RPM) — Sun, 16 Dec 2007 14:07:39 -0600

twitter

Twitter has become a regular part of my life, casually glancing off to the bar on the left and seeing what my pals in the internet world are doing throughout the course of their day. Using this sort of social media is not at all unlike instant messaging in that your experience can be made joyous or annoying depending on the company you keep, and how you plan to use the tool.

Like Facebook, like the "Space I do not speak of" and a variety of other toys, monitoring your privacy is the chief concern...the second easily for me becomes keeping my friend list manageable and meaningful. This means, if I haven't met you virtually or otherwise by reading your work or interacting with you somewhere else, I won't add you. if I don't find what you do on the internet specifically relevant to my own interests or in the range of what I find entertaining or meaningful, I won't add you. If I wouldn't be inclined to sit in a cafe and chat with you, I won't add you.

Lately I've found myself whittling again. My rule of thumb has become, if you make me audibly sigh, or roll my eyes into my head and even grimace more than five times within one week...I have to ask myself if what you bring to the social medium is in alignment with information I find humorous, enlightening, informative or just plain thought provoking. It's not a mark against the person (I say this partially tongue in cheek recalling my own personal offense to being blocked without knowing why). It's just reserving the right to experience the internet as I like. Based on my preferences.

Twitter is the perfect example of putting my internet information guidelines to the test. And by default, my living guidelines for my personal information, anywhere. Twitter used to be a space I loved for it's ability to create communities of conversation. IM in a virtual cafe. Cool. By default, you begin adding the people you normally roam about the internets with...and maybe some additional folks that might be..."on the bubble." And sometimes those "on the bubble" ones can throw your experience out of whack. I, in particular, have a thing about TMI. There are things I don't go into excessive detail about, regarding my life. Wrong or right, I like what I see, to mirror that. Is it being closed-minded, pretentious or haughty to want to guard the sanctity of my eyes and ears? After all, who am I to judge what is newsworthy and what is not? What are the "TMI guidelines?" I would imagine they vary, person to person...but I'll take a stab at telling you mine. I will use twitter as my social media example.

I won't go into intimate details about my relationships. If I am seeing someone, you may know that. Details about them, minutiae about our everyday interactions or updates on our current agreements or disagreements? That belongs exclusively to me. if I do make mention of something, I try to do so in a manner that protects the privacy of the other party. And only if might in someway share something relevant to all of us.

Obviously, I won't divulge excessive details about my career, my company, my job or other people affiliated with my company. This does not include the occasional "vent" which will and should be handled with the same reverence regarding privacy of the other party.

Oh, and about minutiae. We all like to share it, especially when it's amusing or unusual. But every little thing done in the course of your day from the moment you wake to the moment you sleep does not constitute amusing or unusual or amusing. I have a cap on what I want to know about each and every person I've known and cared for. If you feel a need to tell me every thought that has ever manifested itself in your brain...you can expect I'm going to get bored, or annoyed, very quickly.
It's morning. Yes. Can we just say, "goodmorning all"...and be done with it? I'm all for individualized greetings if there is something additional that needs to be said to that party...but, running down a tweet list of eighty people all saying goodmorning to each other feels a bit like the Waltons. I was raised in a family of five. That means five good mornings are my limit.
You picking your toes and using the evidence to mortar bricks together? I'm pretty sure that qualifies. If it isn't something you'd want a lover, or coworker to know...please rest assured I didn't want to know either.
Do you love your spouse? Think they are especially hot, sexy, smart, annoying, gifted whatever? That is great. Tell them a hundred times a day, not me.
Do you love yourself? Think you are especially hot, sexy, smart, powerful, inspired, god-like? That is great. Tell yourself in the mirror a hundred times a day, not me.
Wanna argue with someone? Either take it offline and actually face your conflict and the other person, or spar with them through instant messenger, or email...hell fight them in an online game room...just, don't assume I want to be the audience for your debate.
You tweetin' 20 times an hour? Rest assured that half of what you just said (unless covering a major news story, or recounting your experience making love to an alien in a Starbucks bathroom) will be qualified as TMI.
Shaving? Using the rest room? Farting excessively? Conducting a breast self examination? Darning a sock? If you are doing all of these things simultaneously that might be news. If not...you might be teetering into the TMI zone.

Sometimes, everyday stuff is amusing, ironic, humorous, even significant. The problem is...some of us don't understand that just because we can 'think out loud' all day long...doesn't necessarily mean we should. Give it some thought, after all...

You are what you tweet.

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Daily Snark: Perfumed gym mates.

nobody@vox.com(RPM) — Mon, 02 Jul 2007 10:21:38 -0500

Dear Women/Men Who Wear Perfume/Cologne to the Gym:

Nothing elevates the challenge of my morning run like not being able to breathe. Last time I checked, you come to the gym to sweat and to work your body. This will require oxygen. We are there to breathe hard, not to breathe your lovely fucking aromas. It might be hard for you to believe this...but there are other people who exist in this world besides you. And we might not like trying to oxygenate through your musks and flowers.

Fucktard.

I know. I snarked excessively. It's Monday.

To you floral delights, I dedicate this track

Bush - Machinehead

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