insert tantrum here

nobody@vox.com(RPM) — Sat, 29 Mar 2008 20:16:33 -0600

I have my moments when I get overstimulated, like a baby.

I have an announcement. I am not social. I am not extroverted. Crowds alarm and irritate me. So does getting pulled in too many directions. So does the expectation of commitment on a friendship level. I live in terror that people will want more from me that I honestly want to give. And yet ironically I feel pulled to mother...and nurture. To heal and to love.

When I was a child, my father says I struggled whenever there were too many people in my space at once. Too many could be me + one other person. He teases that I am still very much that aloof child that prefers the comfort of a book and an open window rather than the boisterous noise of a popular crowd. He is right.

I have another announcement. People sometimes develop an expectation that I will be able to "fix" them, or make right what feels wrong. Sometimes that expectation makes me want to kick and scream and flail and screech for people to get off. I feel a surge of anger and panic during those moments when I don't feel entitled enough to say, "listen, I love you and care about what's going on with you, but for right now I want you to go away." Sometimes, I barely have enough juice in my batteries to keep myself running. Those seem to be the days when everyone wants a jump. I guess I think one day a big jump is gonna just end me completely.

I erupted on the phone with a friend today, after feeling waves of anxiety and anger ebb and flow throughout my veins. I said flatly that it felt like too many people were pulling on me to be supportive, or to answer questions, or offer advice or simply amuse them because they had nothing else at the moment to do. At first I was horrified at my eruption, but then once I got going I finally exclaimed, "I want people to FUCK OFF and stop needing me for something/anything!"

His response?

"Get over it. People need you and they won't go away just because you want them to."

True...but you can't blame a girl for trying. Maybe I don't want them to...go away. Perhaps I just need a little "Dr. Love Heart" vacation. Perhaps I worry that for all the caretaking I'm doing...there won't be anyone there to take care of me.

...

I'm gonna sit with that for awhile.

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Blissfully Naked.

*insert tantrum here*

insert tantrum here