1 post tagged “women”

Alternative titles for this post were:

Anywhere, But Here.
One Flew Out of the Cuckoo's Nest.
or
Once Upon A Time in Austin.

Somehow...Sanity won out. Let's hope that starts a trend.

My mother as we speak is driving across the country with her husband and her brother in tow. She's moving to her new home in...Texas. You might recall I moved to Austin nearly three years ago chasing a dream and running from my own demons. I learned in this time, two invaluable lessons. Sometimes chasing dreams shifts them further away, and demons know no state lines. The remedy for both is the same. Acceptance, faith and a good dose of patience with the world and most importantly, with yourself.

Mom finds her way on this odyssey for reasons that are completely different and yet painfully similar. Chasing dreams and running from problems that will lie in wait and show up on her doorstep one morning when she goes to fetch the morning paper. I watch and wish for all good things for her, knowing I cannot chart her course anymore than she can. I know better than to believe I can control too much more than my bladder or my choices. She will inevitably find out the same. Or at least...that is my hope for her. I hope she opens her arms to the adventure. That part I know is key.

I was fiercely opposed to this at first. Her decision to move felt oppressive at best. I assumed that the shackles of being a keystone for an entire family would soon be clasped firmly around my wrists and ankles, placing limits on my choices and a pricetag on my freedom. A few loving souls had to remind me of my own emancipation. It took me decades to find my voice, and now that I've found it, I find it incredibly difficult to silence. That means more intimate connections but it also means more biting disagreements. I've always been headstrong, but now the people around me know precisely what's moving behind my eyes and within my chest. And sometimes...they don't care to know. Mom, especially.

I cannot stuff myself back into the box of obedient child. She continues to search for new ways to make me fit. Somehow...in the midst of this shoving, pulling, tugging and smashing there is a love and bind that both maddens and softens me. What drives me most crazy about my mother, I often see in myself, things I wish weren't there. My mother sees something in me she's never been able to find in herself. I think she finds that both inspiring and frightening. We attract and repel like magnets. From time to time, when we're open and not struggling so much, we manage to love the hell out of each other. Those are the moments I try to retain.

There will be good. There will be bad. The trick I suppose will be not to get too blindsided by either one, because that's the nature of evolution.

Welcome to Texas, Mom.

Love,

RPM